The Next Ten Days

So, I'm at work clearing out my email the other day, and I find a piece of spam; somebody else's copy is here, if anybody cares. Although theirs was apparently addressed directly to them, and mine started out "Dear Pro-Life Friend" (which is two - two - two lies in one).

Now, I have no idea how they got my work email address - I'm fastidious about not using it for anything but business. They've got rules about that sort of thing. Nonetheless, it turns up on somebody's mailing list every so often. And since they'd gone to the trouble of tracking me down, it seemed only right that I should respond to it.
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Dear Ms Musgrave,

I realize that you probably didn’t actually write the fundraising letter I received, but it has a facsimile of your signature on it, so you get the blame.

I also realize that you seem to refer to yourself as “Congresswoman.” Well, I’m sorry, but you aren’t one anymore. And as far as I’m concerned, six years representing Colorado (where I’ve never lived) doesn’t entitle you to a lifetime honorific. I realize that it’s a sign of respect to refer to former Congressfolk by their title, but respect, really, has to be earned (and let’s not go there).

Plus, this is America: we threw off the yoke of our aristocracy a couple of hundred years ago. So, for any number of reasons, I think you should probably drop the title.

I also apologize for my delay in responding, but I’m not clear how you got my work email address, but, since I do, in fact, have a job, I have to access this from home, in my own time, to respond. Rules, y’know.

Now, let’s start with the fact that you’re being a spokesmodel for the Susan B. Anthony List, which has misappropriated the name of a staunch feminist and claimed that she was pro-life. Since there are no writings or speeches that can be reliably attributed to her regarding abortion, it’s a bit of an unfounded leap to decide Ms Anthony’s politics for her, isn’t it?

(Of course, I guess that “unfounded leaps” are a specialty of yours. For example, your support for “abstinence only” education, as if AO actually works: you should ask Bristol Palin how it worked out for her. Or your apparent belief that a woman without a functioning brain, like Terri Schiavo, still qualifies as “alive” in any functional sense of the word.)

Now, I understand that you can’t seem to stop your knees from jerking wildly whenever anyone mentions abortion, but your effort to defund Planned Parenthood seems a little bit excessive.

After all, over 90 percent of Planned Parenthood’s services go to preventative healthcare for low-income women, like STD treatment, Pap tests, breast and cervical cancer screenings, and other healthcare that they wouldn’t be getting otherwise.

The most telling argument would have to be that, without the birth control that they offer low-income women, these women would be more likely to get pregnant, which would lead to more abortions. So, by trying to defund Planned Parenthood, you are probably causing more abortions than you’d be preventing.

On the other hand, you’ve never been a big advocate for birth control, have you? Aside from being openly opposed to allowing "Plan B" emergency contraceptive to be available when needed, you actually had the gall to insert an amendment into the "Runaway, Homeless, and Missing Children Protection Act" making it a crime to allow runaways access to contraception - after all, it's right there in the Bible. "Honor thy father and mother." So if they're rude enough to run away from home, they deserve to get pregnant, don't they?

Ms Musgrave, you're a short-sighted, partisan fool who doesn't bother to consider the repercussions of her actions. Isn't it time to leave the public eye, and maybe go hide in a cave and wait for the Rapture?

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Editor’s note: By the way, we all need to stand up for Planned Parenthood.