A short Facebook conversation (on gender)

Sheria: I find the interchanges among you gentlemen fascinating and quite interesting.

Edge: How so?

S: I like the directness of your interchanges. Women tend to skirt around issues on which they disagree or have differing points of view. It can make direct conversation awkward. I generally prefer the way that men communicate with each other.

E: But men get confrontational too quickly. Women have mastered judicious restraint, probably for survival reasons, physical abuse directed at women, etc.

S: Judicious restraint is a good thing but avoidance of confrontation is also problematic. I spoke with a good friend today and a male member of a board to which she belongs has been a pain in the ass for over a year. He finally told the female chair of the board, "Fuck you," and resigned from the board. There's a board event coming up soon and the chair decided that he should still be invited for to the event because she wanted to show that there are no hard feelings. He accepted the invitation. My response would have been, "You wish and let the door hit you on the way out."

E: I'm with you on your assessment re: your friend... There was a bit on the radio today about women 'making it' in politics. There was a reference to Question Period in the parliamentary system, which favours the testosterone exchanges rather than a more nuanced and conciliatory approach that a woman might take. I found that interesting. And on the other hand, I find it fascinating how women are drawn to men who have power...

S: I find that the more female approach works more effectively in interpersonal relationships but a bit of testosterone helps in business and politics. I think that both genders could learn a bit from each other.

E: That's the truth. Mix is good in all ways. Modern men, unfortunately, are not trained to handle male-only environments and that poses a great problem for communication. Modern men will suck up after women and then behave like women (or a parody thereof) when dealing with each other.

S: I think that perhaps both genders are still stuck in patterns of behavior that were necessary in earlier eras. Powerful men were better protectors when survival was a daily battle and therefore more attractive to women who needed a mate who could protect the home and provide security for the family. Women who were dependent and submissive were more attractive to the alpha male who needed home to be a place of peace and comfort to balance out the struggles of the outside world.

E: Well, if you go by the grocery store checkout magazine racks, those patterns are sure enduring!

S: As we've modernized and created more and more creature comforts, those patterns are no longer necessary but the genetic imprinting is still there in our psyche.

E: Deep imprinting. The game of dominance vs. the game of cooperation. How do we get it to work? I'm still reading this Equality book by Wilkinson and Pickett. Great stuff. Cooperation and equality produce a finer, gentler life experience every time. And yet...

S: Cooperation and equality aren't highly valued traits outside of interpersonal relationships. The women's movement emphasized equality but that equality was defined as being allowed to play in the male arena rather than amending the rules of that arena to more reflect and respect female styles of interaction. As a woman, to be successful in previously male dominated arenas such as business or politics one must learn to play by male patterned rules.

E: These traits should be among the most highly valued. As evidence, the disenfranchised American male is now in deep emotional crisis...or so the research says. W&P point to humiliation and shame as a real problem to male in unequal societies. Incarceration rates in the US tell only some of that horrible story... That point about male patterned roles was the topic of the radio show. More forward thinking women were opposed to that approach, and rightly so, I think.

S: I agree fully. The big issue is how to effect that type of change when the attitudes and beliefs continue to be passed from generation to generation.

E: Well the concept of women adopting male roles to survive and thrive in business is still relatively new. A lot of women haven't reached that stage yet at all. But I do agree, there is a strong intergenerational transference.

S: I agree, a lot of women haven't reached that stage. First you have to recognize that there are different rules and then you have to figure out how to incorporate them into your own style without going too far and risking being labeled a bitch. It's a tightrope.

E: What women don't know is that it's just as hard or harder for most men. A lot of men just aren't that dominant. Small men have a big handicap in the power game, and the physical size of CEOs shows it. The most successful women whom I've met in business are either very well put together (intimidatingly clean-cut and good looking) or tall and even large and imposing. One needs to threaten a male to maintain power it seems. Ancient patterns...

S: I believe you. A lot of the posturing that I see among men has to do with insecurities. I recall reading a few studies that put forth the belief that taller men are more likely to be in positions of power. I think that there is a lot of pressure on men to fulfill idealized notions of masculinity, just as women are expected to fit certain notions of femininity. Too many stereotypical notions of gender identity equals way too much stress.

E: I think all of society has, at the moment, a heightened sensitivity to power, although it's not yet being openly discussed... And I agree with you on the personal level. As a male I've dealt with these power issues all my life. I remember moving to new schools (4 in 8 years) and having to fight the toughest kid in every class—even though I wasn't either confrontational or big and tough (I was on the small side).

S: That's a lot of new schools in a short period of time. I was a quiet child, terribly shy, so I avoided confrontation for the most part. I just disappeared. It wasn't until I went to college that I found my voice. Great conversation as always, perhaps if we were allowed to be in charge of the world we could resolve these issues. I have a couple of things to do online and then it's bed time for me. Good night, Jerry.

E: Night Sheria. A pleasure as always. Much warmth.