We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~~ Aesop.

Well, Chris Christie announced that he would not run for president, probably because he didn't want to spend a year taking hits from the right (saying he was a leftist elitist, and probably a closet Muslim), and the left (pointing out things like the fact that he was a known bully who, when he was working as a lobbyist for Bernie Madoff, got securities fraud exempted from New Jersey’s Consumer Fraud Act).

And, really, who wants to hear the phrase "morbidly obese" every day?

Sarah Palin, seeing someone else in the limelight, tried to upstage him, saying that she wasn't running either, but since only a handful of drooling nose-pickers still thought she might, she didn't garner nearly as much press as she felt she deserved. So, what does that leave us?

I have never seen a more stubbornly ignorant collection of elitist, pandering fuckknuckles than the current crop of GOP candidates; they’re a glittering panoply of thieves, liars, theocrats and delusional morons.

I mean, let’s take a quick look at these mean-spirited, misanthropic gasbags who believe, somewhere at the root of their overwhelmingly swollen egos, that they could lead this country to greatness by following the noble example of George W. Bush.

And, to be fair about it (because I’m the epitome of fairness, after all), let’s go alphabetically.

Michele Bachmann: This is a woman who is either certifiably insane, or she is openly trying to attract the paranoid constituency to her state, because she believes that there are enough of them to elect her to office.

(Technically, this idea isn't quite as idiotic as it sounds: after all, there are enough mouthbreathers in Minnesota’s 6th congressional district to get her reelected twice. This could, of course, easily be attributed to a genetic aberration. Minnesota's winters are hard; and sometimes you just can't get to town for your twenty-dollar whore, but your sister is right there in the next room.)

Her torch has dimmed a bit, because she has been saying openly ignorant and insane things for far too long. The American populace is beginning to notice that it isn’t a playful glint in her eyes, but the cold hard gleam of madness.

Herman Cain: You can’t say that Herman Cain is a complete idiot, but he is somewhat deluded about his personal magnetism. An idiot couldn't have come from the streets of Memphis, Tennessee (the son of a chauffeur and a cleaning woman) and become the CEO of a national pizza chain, with a personal net worth just south of five million dollars. So I'll cheerfully admit that the man has business acumen.

Americans have a tendency to canonize self-made millionaires, but this odd strain of hero-worship doesn't extend quite far enough to push Herman Cain into the White House. Cain has failed to notice the deep-seated racism in certain parts of the Republican Party, which makes him an unlikely choice to become Commander-in-Chief. There are too many members of the GOP who just cannot force themselves to vote for a black man, even if they’re offered a free order of Cheesy Bread to go with it.

I would suggest that Cain suffered brain damage from a very small stroke, which is not only manifesting as this gaping blind spot, but in the form of some significant tone-deafness. The man actually went on CNN’s The Situation Room and said:

Many African American voters “have been brainwashed into not being open-minded, not even considering a conservative point of view... I have received some of that same vitriol simply because I am running for the Republican nomination as a conservative. It’s just brainwashing and people not being open-minded, pure and simple.”

“Hey, black people! You’re gullible and easily led! So vote for me!”

That’s why Hermie is trying to push the “Rick Perry hates black people!” meme. He’s got nothing else. He’s a one-trick pony, just like Michael Steele: “Look at me! I’m a black republican!” (You know, Herm, Steele got fired for being too black... it’s an ugly road you’re travelling, dude. Good luck with that.)

Newt Gingrich: Good old Newtie. Why does this man think he can be elected? (Oh, right. He thinks he’s the center of the stinking universe. Don't mess with Gingrich: he shut down the entire government once because they asked him to move to the back of Air Force One.)

The man's entire campaign staff deserted this sinking ship - you'd think he'd take the hint. (Hell, half of Bachmann's ran away, too, but you expect her not to notice...)

I’ve dealt with this fucker before. Do I need to bother with him again?

Jon Huntsman: Huntsman is quite possibly the most sane of all the possible Republican candidates. Which makes him the odds-on favorite to be unemployed on January 21, 2013: for the same reason that a few scattered racists make Herman Cain less electable, Huntsman is going to have a problem with the Republican base. They can't accept those pesky sciencey things like global warming and evolution, and the fact that he does? Well, that just makes him a little suspicious, doesn't it?

Of course, as it turns out, Huntsman's status as the only candidate who isn’t actively trying to get his head wedged up Donald Trump’s ass might actually turn out to be a better idea than you’d think: it seems that Trump's endorsement actually harms a politician in the polls.

Former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson: (Felt I should throw the his former job in there for two reasons. First, even if you’d ever heard of the man, it’s likely that you’ve forgotten. And two, I live in that particular state.)

The thing that's most likely to sink him is going to be that pro-gay marriage/pro-abortion stance of his. Johnson and Ron Paul will split the legalize-marijuana crowd (or possibly just pass them back and forth), but Johnson’s plan to "reform" (read "gut") Social Security and repeal healthcare reform will keep him from attracting too many independent voters who might be attracted to his vaguely human qualities.

Ron Paul: I’d say he’s huge, but, to be honest, he’s tiny. Apparently 5’9” tall (and potentially bulletproof). Most of the world admits that the man is unelectable, but Ron Paul isn't the kind of guy to back down from a challenge!

We call that a "Napoleon complex."

His biggest (heh) problem is that his followers are rabid, but there really aren't enough of them to get him into a higher office than the one he currently possesses. (Which is sad, because he might actually get my son out of Afghanistan, but there it is...)

Ron Paul seems to be a smart man - one of the few signs that there might actually be a glimmer of intelligence that hasn’t been extinguished in the Lone Star state. Which isn’t to say that he wouldn’t totally destroy the economy with his libertarian idiocy: I’m just trying to be objective, here.

Because that's me: fair, balanced, unbiased.

Rick Perry: Little Ricky is a crazed redneck weasel on meth; he's George W. Bush to the fourth power. The gleam of insanity deep in his eyes doesn't seem as bright as Bachmann's, but that's only because it gets dimmed by the clouds of abject stupidity swirling around in that great hollow area.

There is nothing good about Rick Perry - the more you learn about him, the less you like. He's a vicious theocrat with a tendency toward cronyism

And potentially a sex addict.

Mitt Romney: I've got to say, Mittens is nothing if not predictable. The man is whatever you want him to be. What is electable tomorrow? Vegetation? Then he's a cucumber. Porn stars? He'll rock that Viagra until it screams. He is what you want. No matter what you want.

No, really, it doesn't matter what you want. He doesn't care. Do you want a pro-choice pedophile? He'll yank the fetus out with his bare hands and start fucking it right in front of the camera if he thinks that'll play well in Hoboken.

Mittens literally doesn't care. He has no position that doesn't have a 20-page report from a focus group telling him that people like it. If White Supremacy began testing well with target audiences, he'd grab his pillowcases and start cutting eye-holes before the test results were out of the printer.

Mittens doesn't care that Mormonism is considered a cult by many of the Christian groups. Hell, if the focus groups tell him that Catholicism is on the rise, he'll be sucking off the pope by morning.

Rick "Frothy" Santorum: (speaking of sucking off the pope) It's hard to tell which is the bigger train wreck: Rick Santorum's campaign, or the simpering, shambling shell of a man himself. As one Salon editor put it, he is "the only one of the candidates to participate in all of the GOP debates and still not show any life. He’s at 2 percent in the ABC/Washington Post survey, almost exactly where he was last month and the month before that."

All Obama has to do between now and the election is improve his unemployment statistics, and he won’t even need to campaign. That’s why the congressional GOP is doing everything they can to kick the snot out of the American Jobs Plan.

The president needs to put away his “Let’s Compromise” checklist, and pick up the “You’re Destroying America” stick. Because the only way he’s not going to keep his job, is if the Republican Party can keep more people from getting one.