The Swash Zone, the surf-pounding online Internet site founded by two trans-species cephalopods, the Internet’s only talking dinosaur, a self-styled pirate who named his vessel after a brand of beer, and a raccoon who cross dresses as a cat, will be bought for $520 million by Murdoch Media, a division of News Corporation. Arranged by Bane Capital, the deal is sure to stun investment skeptics and media septics alike.
The Flounders have dubbed the takeover a win-win for shareholders based on this equation: “Three times the square of WTF divided by two times LOL squared when the result is roughly equivalent to E = mass times LMAO squared.” All contributors who have been associated with the Zone since inception were turbulent at low tide when the news first broke late on Saturday.
With the sale of the site that began life on a shoestring in 2008, the takeover will send shockwaves through established media groups still struggling to understand the uncharted territory of trans-species punditry.
In a statement released on Saturday, the new operation will have a combined base of 24 unique visitors per month in the US, one Newfie north of the border, and zero for rest of the world.
"This is the most exciting transaction I have ever done," said (O)CT(O)PUS after the deal was announced. "In this dog-eat-dog world of perpetual oneupmanship, it is especially gratifying to make BIG BUCKS off the backs of starving writers who have been suckered into giving away their stuff for free ... for years! Compared with the acquisition of the Huffington Post by AOL last year, the sale of the Swash Zone establishes a new benchmark in getting rich off the sweat of others,” said the cephalopod.
I am overcome with excitement at the news of this transaction!
ReplyDeleteI, for one, welcome the continued depredations of our tentacled overlords...
ReplyDeleteIf bid on, I will not sell; if sold; I will take cash only!
ReplyDeleteCan cephalopods sweat?
ReplyDeleteI would like my share in legal tender for my species: dino-dollars, please. Preferably small-denomination bills.
ReplyDeleteAll,
ReplyDeleteIf memory serves, I recall that the human blood line started with tree shrews which evolved over millions of years into primates and ultimately into human beings. So the best way to root out this problem of human hegemony is to hunt and munch them at their source. Dino, would you be willing to accept payment denominated in tree shrews? I'll even throw in a jar of mustard.
I have a particular liking for crawdads and fresh water mussels but having lived the life of a beachcombing procyon for so long I have also developed a taste for the saltier crustaceans. But I'm not leaving the beach - I'll hide in a tree all day if I have to, but I'm not leaving!
ReplyDeleteOcto,
ReplyDeleteTree shrews! Heavens no -- we might have a tree shrew for a contributor someday, and then how would I look? No, no, I'll take my millions in dino pounds sterling, thank you very much.
"Three times the square of WTF divided by two times LOL squared when the result is roughly equivalent to E = mass times LMAO squared.”
ReplyDeleteBe careful! Now that you've discovered the secret of Fox Noise's success, Murdoch might have to have you killed. ;)