The Swash Zone, the surf-pounding online Internet site founded by two trans-species cephalopods, the Internet’s only talking dinosaur, a self-styled pirate who named his vessel after a brand of beer, and a raccoon who cross dresses as a cat, will be bought for $520 million by Murdoch Media, a division of News Corporation. Arranged by Bane Capital, the deal is sure to stun investment skeptics and media septics alike.
The Flounders have dubbed the takeover a win-win for shareholders based on this equation: “Three times the square of WTF divided by two times LOL squared when the result is roughly equivalent to E = mass times LMAO squared.” All contributors who have been associated with the Zone since inception were turbulent at low tide when the news first broke late on Saturday.
With the sale of the site that began life on a shoestring in 2008, the takeover will send shockwaves through established media groups still struggling to understand the uncharted territory of trans-species punditry.
In a statement released on Saturday, the new operation will have a combined base of 24 unique visitors per month in the US, one Newfie north of the border, and zero for rest of the world.
"This is the most exciting transaction I have ever done," said (O)CT(O)PUS after the deal was announced. "In this dog-eat-dog world of perpetual oneupmanship, it is especially gratifying to make BIG BUCKS off the backs of starving writers who have been suckered into giving away their stuff for free ... for years! Compared with the acquisition of the Huffington Post by AOL last year, the sale of the Swash Zone establishes a new benchmark in getting rich off the sweat of others,” said the cephalopod.