But the other night, I was finishing my drink before I started the dishes, and, for lack of anything else to do, thumbing through Facebook. And I came across this message.
K: Kade is complaining of hear pain and can't sleep does anyone know what I could do even if I took him to the ER Walgreens is closedHuh. Teenaged mother, hoping for help. I took another drink, and noticed the top three comments.
A: Try olive oil with garlic. Take cotton balls and put them in his ears. The warmth will help him feel better.
K: I'll try that thank u
C: peel and cut an onion in half. place the sliced part of the onion over his ear and have him hold it there until there is relief. The onlion will draw out the toxins that are causing him pain. Works for me everytime. When ur done, look at the onion. The proof is in the rings.
What the hell: give me a second to change into my superhero costume, and I'm...
Unfortunately, my Captain Obvious underpants were in the wash, and all I had left in the back of the closet was an old Dazzler costume from the 70s, when I... well, let's just skip it, OK? It's a long story.
I'll just have to go in as me.
Me: Oh, god. A little onion juice in the ear could make an infection worse. Same with garlic. Jesus, people, this isn't the 14th century - magic doesn't work. Homeopathy doesn't work. The ER could give him medicine that could help - it might be a cold, it might be infection.Was that harsh? There are some who might say it was a little harsh.
The ladies, however, weren't done.
A: Garlic actually does work. But I prefer my 14th century methods as opposed to running out and getting tons of medicine before trying a home remedy.You know something? Some of those people may be right. Apparently, I can be a dick.
C: excuse me? dr's even tell u to use onion capsules. This works jsut like it did in the "14th century"
Me: Yeah. Really helped with the Black Plague, didn't it?
C: sure, do u see the plague now?
Me: Yeah. I live in New Mexico. Look it up.
Me: Let's go over it one more time. If it says "alternative medicine," it's crap. if it works, it's called "medicine."I'm also not above stealing jokes from Tim Minchin, either.
C: i dont see "alternative medicine" written on an onion, do you? hmmmm that why most pills and medicine contain garlic and onion.Has anybody noted that I didn't mention their miserable spelling? Or the fascinating claim that onions and garlic are in most pills?
Me: Because sympathetic magic is crap. Because an onion doesn't "suck out toxins." That's called "crap"
A: That's why there's MRSA. And tons of drug overdoes from taking medicine as prescribed. In the morning she can go to the doctor, but for tonight if this provides relief let her do it. Calm down, your jizzing all over your medical magazines.
Me: Yup. Overuse of Methicillin has led to MRSA. Meanwhile, underuse of it leads to situations you can find in third world countries. It's a fine line, but waving your wands isn't going to drive the spirits away.
Me: Heat can help with inflammation, if that's the problem. If it's an infection, those darned antibiotics that Andrea hates can knock it out pretty quick. Aspirin has very few side effects (and comes from willow bark - oooh... natural!). Medicine helps, magic doesn't. Raised 3 healthy kids. Saw a lot of bad advice. Good luck, Ms K.Oh, one last note The next morning, her status read as follows:
K: Well didn't want it to happen but I had to take Kade to the ER he has a bad ear infection but I won't complain it's only his third everSee, that's the thing. You can be a dick, and still be right.