Crashed his SUV one night
Brit Hume here for the amazing Redeem-O-Matic Christian sinwashing system. That's right folks, no accountability, no bitchy paybacks, no hard work, no punishment, no silly pagan begging for rice in uncomfortable robes! This miracle device lets you feel like you're off the hook instantly and it won't cost you a dime. Come to Jesus now ( 'cause you know we can't do this all day) and we'll double the offer -- you get 14 adulteries washed for one dunk.
Fox hound Hume tells nominally Buddhist Tiger Woods and us that Buddhism is a second rate religion because you don't get the same quick-kick forgiven feeling you get with Christianity. No, really.
'Tiger turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world."said Hume to Chris Wallace on Fox this morning. Well I don't know about old Prune Face, but I would prefer my "great example" to spend more than a Sunday morning's glossolalia session and perhaps seek to make amends to his wife and children -- perhaps even to any of those women he may have deluded into thinking their relationships were going anywhere before punching the reset button on his moral character.
Of course the selling of Christianity like some labor saving kitchen device or laundry product should offend Christians and I'm sure it does, hell, I feel offended for them, but that's Fox, and that's Hume. Join our tribe, buy our stories, splash on some anger sauce and religious whitewash and you'll feel better about your sorry self right away. You getting this camera guy?
HuffPo has a clip of this generous offer from Hume.
ReplyDeleteUnbelievable. But it explains, partially at least, why all those Republican (and not only) cheating SOBs are also into Bible-thumping.
Hey, two Bible thumps and you're cleansed! Brand new and ready to go on to, um, more thumping, of the other kind. And then rinse and repeat.
Christianity for dummies.
No, really.
BTW, Capt., how much for the Redeem-O-Matic? ;)
Brit Hume...a fine example of 'low lying fruit...'
ReplyDeleteI had a buddy in high school who was a whore dog...I mean, it moved and he went after it...
One time he informed me that his life was great because he could commit just about every sin you could imagine and go to confession and be a free as a jaybird inregards to sin and then start all over again with a clean slate...
He pitied ME, a protestant!
Truthfully, I think everyone on Fox News is secretly jealous of Tiger Woods...and I doubt they see Christainity as any real consolation prize...
Do these types even read the Bible? Or do they just skip over troublesome passages like the following, from Matthew 5:27-28?
ReplyDeleteYe have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
TAO, your buddy grasped the real value of religion, bless his whoring heart.
ReplyDeleteNow, Dino. Sigh. You are the most evolved dinosaur I have ever (almost) met, but you seem to take the whole Bible thing too seriously.
The Bible, m'dear, is for thumping, not for reading -- and certainly not for taking what you happen to read there literally.
Unless you want to apply it to your neighbor. :)
Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteI myself like to fabricate condemnatory "Old Testament"-sounding passages to spew at my stegosaurus enemies just before I take them down, sort of like that Samuel Jackson character in Pulp Fiction. So I suppose I should be the last one to call out others....
That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
ReplyDeleteBTW, this passage always makes me laugh (against my better judgment, of course). Know any non-adulterers then, male or female? I certainly don't. But this is why we Catholics (as far as I still nominally belong) have a confession (aka Redeem-O-Matic).
And why cheating GOP politicos have their holy house on C Street.
Alright, Dino, that's the spirit (your last comment, I mean). That's exactly what the Bible is for -- that, plus self-absolving passages about forgiveness and love and etc., should you be the one in trouble. Keep at it and you may even become a politician (not that I wish such an awful fate on you, dinogod forbid).
Elizabeth...
ReplyDeleteHe sure did...and after 30 years I can still hear that conversation...
That's why I am now a buddhist...
But I should have become a catholic....its so much easier!
I am in the midst of The Family. God what a scary tome.
ReplyDeleteCaptain, I love the rhyming couplet. For an ending may I offer:
ReplyDeleteDid a nine iron in thine eye
Shame thy tearful adultery?
Mmmmm -- I love the sound of Blake in the morning.
ReplyDeleteWhat the hammer? what the chain?
How far up it was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp
loosed her anger on your ass?
The Redeem-O-Matic is only $19.99 (plus $87.50 shipping and handling) Call now and get a free Shame-Wow to clean up those little, every-day transgressions for a really spotless conscience. Just the thing to take those beams out of your eye. Call now!
But wait -- there's more! The first million callers get the fabulous Thump-Chop Bible thumper -- no more raw knuckles, no more annoying and confusing Bible to read. . . Call now -- you know we can't do this all day. . .