Sunday, April 10, 2011

Justice for the menstrual murderers!

To: Rep. John Merrill (R-Tuscaloosa)

cc: Letters to the Editor, Tuscaloosa News

Dear Representative Merrill,

Congratulations, sir! Thank you for standing up for the rights of unborn Americans everywhere. Or at least in Alabama.

Trying to amend both the legal code and the Constitution of the Great State of Alabama to define the word "person" as: "any human being from the moment of fertilization or the functional equivalent thereof" is a bold move, and would certainly make abortion illegal immediately.

I would like to point out a few difficulties that you'll be facing on the long road ahead of you, though. For one thing, the Census is certainly going to be more difficult, as all of the formerly-ignored blastocyst-Americans will need to be counted as well. And if we just rely on self-reporting, we will already be under-counting a huge number of Alabama citizens, as women aren't always immediately aware that they are pregnant.

So you'll need to think about that. Fortunately, you have just under a decade to consider the problem.

Furthermore, you will have to develop a completely new arm of the Alabama Department of Public Safety, to investigate all of the millions of new charges of murder that will have to be filed every year. After all, having declared them to be persons, they have rights, and their deaths must be investigated, right? And the mothers must at least be charged with manslaughter; that's the law.

I suppose that a mandatory pregnancy test for every post-pubescent woman is a possibility, but those tests are not extremely reliable, and a positive result would have to be verified. And all this takes us awfully close to the area of government-sponsored healthcare, which must be destroyed - after all, we know that Jesus would support allowing the poor to die in the streets if they couldn't afford a doctor.

You did take into account the fact that two-thirds of all fertilized eggs fail to implant in the mother's womb, right? And if you allow this newly-legalized human life to be simply flushed away, you are just as guilty as the murderous woman who refused to allow the child berth in her womb!

That is really a tricky question when you think about it. If life does begin at conception, wouldn't Heaven be filled wall-to-wall with little floating fetuses? But then again, since they were never baptized and never accepted Jesus into their unformed hearts, they would have gone straight to Hell, where their little unborn souls could simply be used as fuel for the furnaces. This would be very efficient, and exactly the way that a loving God would have designed the system.

I suppose that it's possible that you were unaware of this dirty little secret of human pregnancy. After all, Alabama's educational system does rank about forty-fifth among the fifty states, and as a graduate of the University of Alabama, this does place you at a disadvantage.

But I'm sure that you aren't adding billions of dollars to the Alabama deficit simply because you're stubbornly, pig-ignorantly arrogant, but simply because you love Alabama so much.

Thank you for your time,
A Concerned Citizen

Update: So, it seems that Rep. Merrill, in the true spirit of Republican governance, doesn't really want to talk to people who aren't donating money to him.

Despite what it says on his webpage, the email address gets rejected immediately. Now, if you look into it a little, the link on his webpage actually opens up an email to (no "j"). And that email address actually makes it into the Tuscaloosa GOP servers before being rejected as nonexistent.

I suppose I could have printed it out and mailed it. After all, he provides both his work address and his office at the Statehouse (and his home address, for the love of Bacchus!) on his webpage. But that would take, you know, time and money and stuff. Instead, I sent it to every Democratic member of the Health Committee, who are currently considering both of Merrill's bills.

Easier that way.


  1. Karab Amabo would be just the sort of candidate John Merrill (Idiot-AL) would support. Amabo is exactly the opposite of Barack Obama. And concerning the the question of when life begins, he goes one better than Merrill"

    “Karab Amabo believes that abortion should be illegal, especially in case of rape or incest, and he is so pro-life his slogan is "Life Begins at Erection."

  2. "I suppose that a mandatory pregnancy test for every post-pubescent woman is a possibility, but those tests are not extremely reliable, and a positive result would have to be verified. And all this takes us awfully close to the area of government-sponsored healthcare" -- well, of course, they could assess a 'judicial administrative fee' or somesuch on women of bleeding age who couldn't afford health insurance, remember, taxation is only bad if it happens to the job-creators. Also, since this bill would basically criminalize the act of being female, it's customary to place the financial burdens on the accused.

  3. Every good liberal/progressive should be on the ACLU’s mailing list. I may not be good (in fact, I am considered a very evil commie-pinko-socialist cephalopod by wingnut standards), but I do appreciate these mailings. Here is one:

    Across the country, the anti-choice movement is pushing an agenda of forcing more regulations on women's health, putting government between a woman and her doctor, and making it more difficult for a woman to access certain services and make personal decisions affecting her health, her life and her family.

    In Florida, the assault on women's health has taken the form of at least 18 different bills. They range from requiring a woman considering an abortion to receive a government-mandated ultrasound scan, to a blanket ban on abortions that would pose a legal challenge to Roe v. Wade, and even a bill which would make it illegal to "hint" about the decision to terminate a pregnancy. The hard right shift in the legislature and executive branch has now increased the likelihood of success for several measures, which are being pushed swiftly through their committees.

    As the legislative session enters into its final weeks, several of these bills have already cleared multiple committee stops and are poised to hit the chamber floors in the next couple of weeks. There will be incredible pressure on committee chairs to pass the remaining bills before the end of the session.

    If the handful of anti-choice bills that have passed out of multiple committees make it to the floor, the probability of passage is substantial.


    We believe a woman should be able to make personal medical decisions with her doctor without government interference. We believe that a woman should trust that her doctor is telling her what she needs to know, not what a politician thinks she ought to be told. We believe that a woman is making a decision for her own reasons, that no two situations are identical, and that one-size-fits-all laws could jeopardize a woman's health. We believe that a woman's life matters, and that the medical decisions affecting her are private decisions, not political ones.

    I urge all women to incorporate their uterus and seek status as a religious denomination. Hereafter, all husbands, boyfriends and lovers shall approach the Temple of Love as holy supplicants and treat the uterus with reverence and respect.

    Here is the website:

    Thus spake the cephalopod.


We welcome civil discourse from all people but express no obligation to allow contributors and readers to be trolled. Any comment that sinks to the level of bigotry, defamation, personal insults, off-topic rants, and profanity will be deleted without notice.