A CHAIN LETTER

For half of my adult life, I have been victimized by the chain letter curse wrought by a succession of offspring who, in various stages of their adolescence, have subjected me to annoying e-mail forwards, hoaxes, jokes, fake virus warnings, petitions, silly poems, surveys, and every conceivable piece of Internet junk imaginable. The picture you see above was sent to me by the youngest and last of my octopode fries.  Before I continue, a word of caution:

Please send this post to 2,000 people within the next 30 seconds, or else Captain Fogg will sink your boat, your cephalopods will be turned into sushi, the oil lobby will be drilling for Dino, and ExpatBrian will be forced to return to La La Land.  This is serious business, folks!

Monogamy or monotony?  Are you tired, bored, or discontented with your [select one -- mate, partner, relationship]?  Do not despair because hope is on the way.   Unlike most chain letters, this one will cost you nothing.  Just send a copy of this post to five of your best friends who are equally frustrated, then bundle up your [select one -- husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover mistress, partner, Swash Zone creature] and send to the first name on your list.

When your name moves to the top of the list, you will receive over 10,000 [select one -- men, women, sheep, goats, gerbils, partners] from which to choose.  One of these will fulfill your every wish and desire.  Do not break the chain or else you are likely to get your old [select one -- deadbeat, dud, SOB] back.

Indeed, this IS truly amazing.  When I received the above picture via e-mail from the last of my octopod fries, I thought to myself:  Hmm, has my charming and much-loved offspring finally seen the light?  Yes, my little 8pus, nothing does happen.  Chain letters don't work.  And they are annoying as hell.  Could this be the end of the curse?  Will my e-mail box finally return to normal after years of patient and silent suffering?  Perhaps I should view this latest e-mail as a coming of age, a sign of maturity … that has finally released me from this curse.