Free Marketplace of Love

Back in days gone by, daughters were chattel – sold off, in one way shape or form, by their fathers (or other male guardian) to the highest bidder. Daughters were a way for fathers to secure business alliances, gain political favor, etc etc etc. We sometimes euphemistically refer to this as “arranged marriages” – as if men suffered as much as the women in these marriages which were not grounded in the concept of romance or love. In many societies men could seek solace elsewhere . . . .

But NOW – at least in most portions of our world today – we have progressed towards the idea of marriages being grounded in LOVE. Two people fall in love and choose to marry – no bargaining fathers in the wings. Marriage is now a matter of choice. Love, romance are granted free reign. We have further progressed (some might argue regressed) to the point where marriage – as a legal and/or religious bond – is no longer required. Couples may choose to enter into a committed, monogamous relationship grounded in love free from legal contracts.

Thus far I have admittedly been privileging heterosexual definitions of couple-hood. The whole issue of homosexual couple-hood is historically quite different in that it has faced unique prejudices and stigmatizations. However – on the pure concept of the modern economics of love – to which I would now like to turn - I think homosexual couples face similar issues.

We have now come, it would seem, to a place in societal development where we as individuals are free to pursue our hearts desires in the finding of a mate. We may choose whom we most favor. No more forced sharing of beds with total strangers for the sake of procreation.

Now notice I have NOT brought up the subject of SEX. This is deliberate. Though I of course recognize sex as a component of love I am, in this post, concerned with the concept of love – emotionally experienced love – in its most IDEAL form. I realize trying to separate the two may be a fool’s errand, but bear with me . . .

So it would seem that we have reached nirvana – yes? A free marketplace of love wherein we may choose the best mate for a loving relationship. The world is our oyster. Yeah!

Um – yes – well – how exactly does one do this . . . . . . . . ? How does one determined which shell actually shelters a pearl?

When we need a new car we go to a dealership – or two – or three. We haggle, bargain – go for test drives – eventually choosing the best model that suits us. We strive for the best deal. Well, ok – does this approach work for choosing a mate? Certainly not! You cry. How ridiculous! Love is about the heart . . . it just happens . . . when the time is right . . . like in all of the poems, sonnets . . . it's just . . . (do I hear violins warbling?)

Yes, well – BUT - It’s impossible to spend any time on-line these days without seeing a vast array of dating sites or personals sites advertising their services like car dealerships. In recent years I’ve seen sites advertised for Christians, for Muslims, for seniors, for homosexuals, for wealthy people, and even for those seeking Russian brides (no kidding!). All one has to do, it would seem, is to choose the correct web-site – our modern day matchmakers – then program in one’s personal criteria for the perfect mate & the rest is relationship bliss!!

Hold on – criteria? What the hell does that have to do with love? Can love be so programmed? And thus bought & sold as can other things in a free market economy? If so – how is this progress? Speaking from the female perspective . . . ok – so we are no longer being pimped for economic gain by our fathers but we can now pay, and thereby provide economic gain to, these on-line services to do it for us? If this is true – how hilarious that men are now paying to be pimped!! Progress?? Is love now being pimped like sex?

Now to take a step back – not all loving relationships these days are the product of these latest money-making, love-marketing services. There are people who actually meet their true loves in the simple everyday course of their daily lives. People for whom the sentimental idealism expressed in the song

“Some Enchanted Evening”

You will see a stranger

You will see a stranger, across a crowded room

And somehow you’ll know

You’ll know even then . . . .

[South Pacific]

holds true. However . . .

. . . it would seem, based on simple economics, that for many people this is not the case. That for many people the love marketplace is the only way to seek – and perhaps find – love. Otherwise – would there be so many on-line sites peddling their wares? E-harmony has even made the jump to television marketing – that takes a lot of money. It is a sign of that company’s success at generating revenue based on its pitching of the notion that it can provide a channel towards love. So clearly there are many who sign on for help seeking a loving mate.

If this seems like a cynical post – it actually isn’t. I suspect that many people involved in the free marketplace of love (not sex) are sincerely trying to find love, someone to share their life with. However – in terms of human development, societal development – I find the question of “progress” with respect to the pursuit of love fascinating – especially in light of human history’s less than enlightened past practices with regard to the subject.

We have gained much by simply gaining the right to CHOOSE. But HOW to choose or how to FIND someone to choose is, apparently, a hurdle, a stumbling ground for the actual fulfillment of the CHOICE that we may now freely embrace.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker find me a match

Find me a find, catch me a catch

Night after night in the dark I’m alone

So find me a match of my own

[Fiddler on the Roof]

At this stage in human development it would seem that offering up the concept of FREELY CHOOSING someone to LOVE is like dangling a bunch of grapes in front of thirsty, hungry Tantalus’ nose yet just out of his reach.