I should explain that this is not mine; the pedigree of this piece goes back into electronic mists. In fact, it's not even the first iteration of its type; the earliest version I have found was an anonymous bulletin posted in 2004. But it is so easily adapted, expanded, and linked that I have posted versions of it before.
"I AM AN AMERICAN CONSERVATIVE"
This morning I was awoken by an alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy.
I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility.
After that, I turned on the television to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the NOAA determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by NASA.
I watched this while eating my breakfast of USDA-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the FDA.
At the appropriate time as regulated by Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I deposited my mail with the US Postal Service, got into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile, and and dropped the kids off at a public school.
I then traveled to work on roads build by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the EPA, using legal tender issued by a Federal Reserve bank.
I spent the day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by OSHA in the Department of Labor.
During the day, I enjoyed another two meals which again did not kill me because of the USDA. I enjoyed the 24-7 protection of the Department of Defense.
After working a full day, I drove my NHTSA-approved car back home on the DOT roads, to my house. It had not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshal’s inspection.
Nor had it been plundered of all it’s valuables, thanks to the local police department.
I then logged on to the internet, which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration, and told The Swash Zone that Obama better keep his hands off my health care because government can't do anything right.
Kudos to you for writing this and kudos to Squid for encouraging you to post it.
ReplyDeleteBTW, get some rest.
ReplyDeleteThere is a "companion" piece to it, via Crooks and Liars:
ReplyDeleteA Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican
Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.
All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.
Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should loose his home because of his temporary misfortune.
Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.
Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark)
He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.
He turns on a radio talk show, the host’s keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, "We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have".
-- By John Gray
And then there is Thom Hartmann's A Day in The Life of a True Conservative -- highly recommended, along with Matt's post, to all government-hating members of the "liberty or else!" crowd.
ReplyDeleteI can see conservatives sitting around in their caves talking about shit like this like The People's Front of Judea in the Life of Brian:
ReplyDeleteReg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
ZIRGAR, the People's Front of Judea does a perfect deconstruction of the Palestine Liberation Organization, among other things. Remember that scene where Reg insists the People's Front of Judea is VERY different from the People's Judea Liberation Front?
ReplyDeleteHell, they expose the whole nature of fantacism and zealotry in that film. But don't forget the Judean People's Front. He's over there. lol. I love that film. I think I'll scrounge around for it in my collection and watch it again.
ReplyDeleteI think my favorite parts are when Brian is trying to get away from his "followers" and no matter what he says or does they construe them as signs of his divinity. And I the love musical exit, Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.
Brilliant.
I try to remember every day that I could not live in this neighborhood or be married to the woman I'm married to if not for the blood and toil of Liberals in defiance of the Republican leadership.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how the anti-American ravings of the Anti-American Hero Ronald Reagan still plague us and paralyze us and set us against ourselves. And yet, we wait and wait for some supporting study and get nothing but contrived anecdotes.
Saying the Government can't do anything is saying WE can't do anything -- and yet they call us defeatists. Saying we can't do anything is saying civilization isn't worth it and it's better to remain a roving band of ungoverned individuals dragging our lousy bodies across the Pleistocene landscape -- and they say we're nuts.
Capt. Fogg: AMEN. Well put!
ReplyDeleteGawd, it's good to be amongst the sane and rational.
ReplyDeleteSaty - come on over anytime! You'll hate me for this, but while I think your new "do" nicely flatters you, I actually like the do in this avatar better. Of course, I tend to be kind of quirky so I'm probably not the best judge... :)
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOL-this one was done by a patient I used to take care of. It was horrific, but she was so proud of it I kept it in overnight, which included the public humiliation of going to the gas station.
ReplyDeleteI keep the picture up because she was just so incredibly happy about it all. But it was some kinda jacked up, and I mean that.
Spot on. I'm going to steal this an re-post it.
ReplyDelete