All men may soon be required to report their orgasms to law enforcement, according to new legislation proposed by A.L.I.C.E., a women’s advocacy group. The reason is because male sexual behavior has been linked to an alarming rise in violent crime against women, and officials must be empowered to act. Crimes like forcible rape, indecent exposure, offensive facial humiliation, and discriminatory new legislation sponsored by jerk-off Republicans. If male lawmakers reserve the right to investigate female sexuality for any alleged crime, then women deserve an equal opportunity under law to investigate men, according to an A.L.I.C.E. spokesperson. Here is a case in point:
Virginia’s newly nominated candidate for state attorney general, Senator Mark Obenshain (R), introduced a fetal death bill that requires women to report any miscarriage or stillbirth to police within 24 hours or risk imprisonment.
Obershain’s bill was motivated by the case of Nina Buckhalter, a woman who tested positive for methamphetamine use after giving birth to a stillborn infant. A Mississippi grand jury indicted Buckhalter for manslaughter, claiming she killed her baby due to “culpable negligence.”
Virginia Attorney General and candidate for governor, Kenneth Cuccinelli (R), co-sponsored a fetal personhood bill that confers the right to life “vested in each born and preborn [sic] human being from the moment of inception.”
According to abortion rights advocates, if states are allowed to jail women for stillbirths and miscarriages, fetal personhood laws will serve as a pretext for banning abortion and contraception.
Furthermore, over zealous prosecutors may persecute women for any alleged lapse in pre-natal care - alcohol consumption, smoking, excessive exercise, failure to follow medical advice, or simply having a bad attitude (although the donor of her hapless haploids may drink to excess in the privacy of his castle until stumble-down drunk - with impunity.)
In concept, fetal death and fetal personhood bills deprive women of their own legal personhood, since these laws confer a special status to the fetus at the expense of the mother. That is why it is important to level the playing field by placing all male sexual behavior under similar scrutiny. Pending legislation proposed by A.L.I.C.E. will grant new powers of law enforcement, including the right to conduct a mandatory cystoscopic exam through the barrel of a Bushmaster performed by a female urologist with an itchy trigger finger.
Next story: Bush League Republicans play baseball with flaccid bats.