It's Sunday, and I'm waiting for another season of Downton Abbey to premier tonight. Yes, I know, it's a soap opera with British accents, but will Lady Mary ever find happiness now that Matthew is dead and buried? And what about Edith?
So as I'm doing some clean-up chores on my computer and checking my email, I decided to look at my spam folder, since a legitimate email now and then gets thrown in there by mistake.
My spam folder may very well be more entertaining than a third season of Downton Abbey.
Someone named "Jennifer" asked me in no less than 10 emails "Why won't you respond to my message?" I felt a twinge of guilt, but then was immediately distracted by "Ashley Madison's" subject line "Life is Short, Have an Affair." At my age, I'm afraid that would make life seem too long and way too complicated.
"Abigail" writes "Hello Mighty Man, How Are You?" I guess it's impossible to tell what sex I am from my email identity, and possibly it doesn't matter to these spammers, so I'm not upset with "Abigail." "Bree Olson's Nitroxin" promises me a "STRONGER, THICKER, HARDER PENIS -- FREE TRIAL 100% GUARANTEED!" Well?
"Master Seducer" entices with "Weird video gets you laid? Watch this." I'll pass, but thanks, M. Seducer, for the invite. "Christian Mingle" promises that I'll find "That Special Someone." But there's no 100% GUARANTEE, like I'm promised on that "STRONGER, THICKER..." well, you know. Some things even God won't back up, I suppose. Finally, "Ava" says "Congrats on Your Free Fuckbook Account!" I don't even.
Mixed in with all this sexual ministrone are coupons for "mozzarella sticks and buffalo wings" from "Applebee's," "a free oil change coupon," a credit card deal with "0% APR," "Rock Star Loans," "Rolex Replicas," and a "LIMITED TIME FREE ACCESS TO LOCAL SLUTS," offered by "slut finder." The mind reels.
What a big wide world it is out there, and how confounded I am by it all.
Mistakenly thrown in among all these irresistible spam ads and enticements was one email from a friend of mine who works with people to find them low-income housing. The email profiled "The Home Buyer of the Month," a husband and wife who were finally able to find affordable housing for themselves and their two children in time for Christmas by working with my friend, Jim, and the state agency he heads. Nice.
So I guess plowing through Wal-Mart ads, Penis Enhancement ads, something from "knobsplus" that handles "Trash Cans and MORE!" an "ALERT' about a "sexual predator" in my neighborhood, a plea from "Eliza Berrier" asking me to "PLEASE TAKE A LOOK!" and "Layla" whose inscrutable subject line was "Friends With Benefits Is What I Actually Meant hahaha ;)," and "Stella" telling me to "Just Don't Let the Days Past[sic] You By Without Enjoying Them to the Fullest," --after all that mish-mash of a jumble of sexual enticements and straight-out, good old American commercialism, I found a happy end-of-the-year story.
It was worth going through all that junk. And I'm sorry, "Jennifer," but I still won't be responding to your message, even if I can guess what it is.
Happy 2014
"Sexual ministrone"
ReplyDeleteAny suggestions about how to get coffee off my keyboard?
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My most recent Nigerian email via "Nigerian Email Generator."
ReplyDeleteMY DEAR SHAW KENAWE
,
I AM ABACHA, OF LATE ABACHA, HEAD OF STATE OF KIMBABO, WHO DIED ON THE 8TH OF JUNE OF 2012 . I CONTACTED YOU BECAUSE OF MY NEED TO DEAL WITH PERSONS WHOM MY FAMILY AND I HAVE HAD NO PREVIOUS PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
SINCE 2012 MY MOTHER-IN-LAW HAS BEEN SUBJECTED TO ALL SORTS OF HARASSMENT AND INTIMI DATION WITH LOTS OF NEGATIVE REPORTS EMANATING FROM THE GOVERNMENT AND THE BANK OF PLUTO ABOUT MY CARBUNCLES . THE PRESENT GOVERNMENT HAS ALSO ENSURED THAT OUR BANK ACCOUNTS ARE DEPLETED AND ALL SEIZED.
IT IS IN VIEW OF THIS, THAT I SEEK YOUR CO-OPERATION AND ASSISTANCE IN THE TRANSFER OF THE SUM OF US ,$4,000,000( MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) BEING THE VERY LAST OF MY FAMILY FUND IN MY POSSESSION AND CONTROL.
THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SEIZED ALL OUR PORK BELLY FUTURES AND FROZE ALL OUR UVULAS, BOTH LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL , AFTER THE DEATH OF MY GOAT , BUT MY ONLY HOPE NOW IS THIS AVAILABLE US $4,000,000 CASH WHICH I CAREFULLY PACKAGED AND DEPOSITED AS PHOTOGRAPHIC MATERIALS WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN LAGOS WHERE MY COUSIN IS A TAP DANCER .
IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ASSIST US IN RECEIVING THIS MONEY ON OUR BEHALF, PLEASE, CONTACT MY CHEESE MAKER , EL KABONG, IMMEDIATELY ON FAX NUMBER OR TELEPHONE NUMBER . ON RECEIPT OF YOUR REPLY, HE WILL CONTACT YOU TO DISCUSS THE FLU SHOTS AND NEGOTIATE YOUR REWARD, WHICH I CAN ASSURE YOU WILL BE VERY ADAMANTINE.
MEANWHILE, OUR INTENTION IS TO INVEST THIS FUND IN YOUR COUNTRY BASED ON YOUR ADVICE AND PLEASE ENSURE TO KEEP THIS PROPOSAL VERY SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL FOR OBVIOUS REASONS AND SEND TO US YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE/FACSIMILE NUMBER FOR EASY AND CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION.
WHEN REPLYING, PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX FOR DETAILS.
WE AWAIT YOUR IMMEDIATE RESPONSE.
"Life is Short, Have an Affair."
ReplyDeleteNow I know why more women are choosing affairs. Why live with the pig when all you want is a link of sausage.
Jennifer never writes, never calls ...
Breast enhancement turns you into a zebra (which is 26 sizes larger than “A” bra).
ReplyDeleteHow to handle spam from China?
ReplyDeleteSend this reply: “Long live the Falun Gong! Free Tibet!"
Wait a minute Shaw, that's my $4 million. Abacha promised it to me because I am a trustworthy person of known good character!
ReplyDelete(O)CT(O)PUS,
ReplyDeleteDo you know what a singing ewe wears? A Baa-bra.
A female magician? An Abracada-bra.
Sheria, so Abacha has found two trustworthy persons of good character! Who knew?