It's Sunday, and I'm waiting for another season of Downton Abbey to premier tonight. Yes, I know, it's a soap opera with British accents, but will Lady Mary ever find happiness now that Matthew is dead and buried? And what about Edith?
So as I'm doing some clean-up chores on my computer and checking my email, I decided to look at my spam folder, since a legitimate email now and then gets thrown in there by mistake.
My spam folder may very well be more entertaining than a third season of Downton Abbey.
Someone named "Jennifer" asked me in no less than 10 emails "Why won't you respond to my message?" I felt a twinge of guilt, but then was immediately distracted by "Ashley Madison's" subject line "Life is Short, Have an Affair." At my age, I'm afraid that would make life seem too long and way too complicated.
"Abigail" writes "Hello Mighty Man, How Are You?" I guess it's impossible to tell what sex I am from my email identity, and possibly it doesn't matter to these spammers, so I'm not upset with "Abigail." "Bree Olson's Nitroxin" promises me a "STRONGER, THICKER, HARDER PENIS -- FREE TRIAL 100% GUARANTEED!" Well?
"Master Seducer" entices with "Weird video gets you laid? Watch this." I'll pass, but thanks, M. Seducer, for the invite. "Christian Mingle" promises that I'll find "That Special Someone." But there's no 100% GUARANTEE, like I'm promised on that "STRONGER, THICKER..." well, you know. Some things even God won't back up, I suppose. Finally, "Ava" says "Congrats on Your Free Fuckbook Account!" I don't even.
Mixed in with all this sexual ministrone are coupons for "mozzarella sticks and buffalo wings" from "Applebee's," "a free oil change coupon," a credit card deal with "0% APR," "Rock Star Loans," "Rolex Replicas," and a "LIMITED TIME FREE ACCESS TO LOCAL SLUTS," offered by "slut finder." The mind reels.
What a big wide world it is out there, and how confounded I am by it all.
Mistakenly thrown in among all these irresistible spam ads and enticements was one email from a friend of mine who works with people to find them low-income housing. The email profiled "The Home Buyer of the Month," a husband and wife who were finally able to find affordable housing for themselves and their two children in time for Christmas by working with my friend, Jim, and the state agency he heads. Nice.
So I guess plowing through Wal-Mart ads, Penis Enhancement ads, something from "knobsplus" that handles "Trash Cans and MORE!" an "ALERT' about a "sexual predator" in my neighborhood, a plea from "Eliza Berrier" asking me to "PLEASE TAKE A LOOK!" and "Layla" whose inscrutable subject line was "Friends With Benefits Is What I Actually Meant hahaha ;)," and "Stella" telling me to "Just Don't Let the Days Past[sic] You By Without Enjoying Them to the Fullest," --after all that mish-mash of a jumble of sexual enticements and straight-out, good old American commercialism, I found a happy end-of-the-year story.
It was worth going through all that junk. And I'm sorry, "Jennifer," but I still won't be responding to your message, even if I can guess what it is.