Discipline is Important! (or: Kids! What'cha gonna do?)

I think that my favorite news story of the week (as happens once in a long while) has no politics involved.

I mean, sure, you could point out that Grandma is the perfect Republican, and was just trying to prevent the socialist redistribution of bacon, but you'd be stretching the point somewhat. And, besides, BACON!!!

Granny Busted For Bacon Beef With Grandson, 9
Cops: Suspect, 64, thought boy bogarted the meat

I believe "bogarting the meat" was just legalized in New York and New Hampshire, along with gay marriage.

JUNE 30--Angered that her grandson ate too much bacon at breakfast, a 63-year-old woman chased the boy out of her Pennsylvania home and pinned him down on the front lawn, where she blasted him in the face with a garden hose, police allege.

Yes, you read that correctly. Let me emphasize a few points here.

Angered that her grandson ate too much bacon at breakfast - perhaps she was just looking after the child's welfare? We do have a nation of obese children, after all... no, never mind. I'm pretty sure "altruism" isn't a factor in this story.

a 63-year-old woman - people keep using the phrase "old enough to know better" as if it made any damned sense at all.

Marilee Ann Kolynych was busted Tuesday evening on endangering the welfare of children, simple assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct charges. Her grandson, 9, was not injured during the attack.

See? Nobody got hurt. Just a little family fun.

In a Clifton Heights Police Department report, Officer James Press noted that the child "stated that he had been getting tortured by his grandmother…all day for an incident that took place during breakfast."

You know, sometimes kids act up, and you just have to take a stand.

According to Press, the matter involved the child consuming more bacon than anyone else, which angered Kolynych.

Somehow, we seem to have gotten back to the "proper nutrition" argument.

A witness told Press that Kolynych chased her grandson around the yard before throwing him to the ground and "sitting on top of him beating him on his legs and spraying water at very close range into (the boy's) face."

At the same time? Grandma's got skills! Plus, I could swear that I already mentioned that discipline is important, didn't I?

The child told cops that "the nozzle setting was on full blast."

Well, the little bastard probably never brushes his teeth.

"Your honor, I continue to dispute the 'child abuse' portion of the charges! After all, the prosecuting attorney has already admitted to having a Waterpik® at home, and forcing his children to use it!"

The child eventually broke free and "ran across the street, using a neighbor’s phone to call his mother, who was in the basement while the incident was taking place out front."

Now, please note that the news report does not say "hiding in the basement." That's an unreasonable and unfair interpretation, and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking it.

Even after the boy’s mother arrived outside, a witness reported, Kolynych continued to chase after the child.

Well, if Mom's not going to take a stand, somebody has to.

By the way.



Not involved.