I AM SOOO PROUD OF MY NEW KENYAN BIRTH CERTIFICATE

Here is proof positive that your cephalopod-in-residence is not an actual Octopoda americanus but an Octopus vulgaris, a pretender, a usurper, an invasive species.  Yup, its true.  I am the dreaded Manchurian mollusk feared by everyone. Even more horrifying, my clammy male chromosome has that annoying terrorist fist-bumping, basketball-dribbling, TV channel-flipping gene that drives newts and salamanders nuts.  Here is my REAL birth certificate:

A special hat tip to Sheria for helping me research my family background.  If you would like to join President Obama, Sheria, and the cephalopod in solidarity and have an authentic Kenyan birth certificate of your own, you can generate one here.