CLOWNFISH OF THE WEEK: GOVERNOR MARK SANFORD

Photoshop credit: AZrainman

He disappeared from plain sight. When asked of his whereabouts, his cohorts refused to answer. Security, they said. His wife knew nothing. Reporters spotted his car at the airport. Rumors swirled. Something about taking a hike in the Appalachians. Finally, an admission, a clandestine trip … Yeee Haah … to Argentina!

Can’t you hear me, baby, rappin’ on your door?

Can’t you hear me, baby, rappin’ on your door?

Now you hear me tappin’, tappin’ across your floor.

For seven days and seven nights days, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina was missing. This is the same Governor Mark Sanford who refused to accept federal economic stimulus funds ... for the State of South Carolina that has among the worst unemployment stats in the nation … and failing grades in education.

Feel like a broke-down engine, ain’t got no drive at all,

Feel like a broke-down engine, ain’t got no drive at all.

This is the same Governor Sanford whose own legislature voted to accept the stimulus money and override his veto, whose own State Supreme Court upheld the state legislature that demanded the governor take the stimulus money; the same Governor Sanford from the same great state of South Carolina, rumors say, who wants to run for president of these even greater United States of Aye!

Lordy, Lord, Lordy, Lord, Lordy, Lord.

After seven days and seven nights, we discover Governor Mark Sanford had secretly flown to Argentina to visit a woman with whom he had been having … an affair! "I've let down a lot of people," said the governor at a news conference where he choked up as he ruminated on God's law, moral absolutes and following one's heart. His family did not attend.

Feel like a broke-down engine,

ain’t got no whistle or bell,

If you’re a real hot momma,

drive away Daddy’s weeping spell.

At The Swash Zone today, the temperature is 87 degrees and sunny. Visibility is 10 miles, and the surf is calm. All resident clownfish have left our shores … bound for South Carolina.

CURSES!

Do you know anyone who lives in South Carolina?  If so, be prepared to take in refugees. This story from Feminist Law Professors will appeal to your inner George Carlin:

South Carolina State Senator Robert Ford is 

trying to outlaw lewd language and profanity

According to the language of the bill:  “It is unlawful for a person in a public forum or place of public accommodation wilfully and knowingly to publish orally or in writing, exhibit, or otherwise make available material containing words, language, or actions of a profane, vulgar, lewd, lascivious, or indecent nature.”

So shut up and don’t call attention to your wedgie in public.  In the Peoples Republic of South Chinalina, it will be considered a felony, resulting in a fine of up to $5,000 or a prison term of up to five years, or both.

The language is overly broad ... the mentality miniscule.  If you hit your thumb with a hammer, make sure you say “ouch” because if you say “$hit” in front of a witness, you have committed a felony. Bible thumpers of the Bible belt beware! Strip Tear out the Songs of Solomon before you give, lend, or sell any Bible to any person. Even the “Word of God” may be considered profane and illegal. And why send juvenile offenders to prison?  Just build a jail around the entire high school.

While pondering the latest WTF, this may be my last opportunity (if I were living in South Chinalina) to quote this poem:

Graffiti

Blessings on all the kids who improve the signs in the subways:

They put a beard on the fashionable lady selling soap,

Fix up her flat chest with the boobies of a chorus girl,

And though her hips be wrapped like a mummy

They draw a hairy cunt where she should have one.

The bathing beauty who looks pleased

With the enormous prick in her mouth declares,

"Eat hair pie; it's better than cornflakes."'

And the little boy in the Tarzan suit eating white bread

Now has a fine pair of balls to crow about.

And as often as you wash the walls and put up your posters,

When you go back to the caged booth to deal out change

The bright-eyed kids will come with grubby hands.

Even if you watch, you cannot watch them all the time,

And while you are dreaming, if you have dreams anymore,

A boy and girl are giggling behind an iron pillar;

And although the train pulls in and takes them on their way

Into a winter that will freeze them forever,

They leave behind a wall scrawled all over with flowers

That shoot great drops of gism through the sky.

Poems Old and New

by Edward Field