Dear Mr. President,

Only 2500 characters allowed, so I had to drop most adjectives, and big chunks of the first and second paragraphs. And, obviously, the video.

Dear President Obama,

Interesting speech this week. You made some very good points, and you're going back to one of your strengths - oration. (To be honest, I didn't actually watch it live, but I've seen clips, and I read the transcript. But hey, what do you want out of me? I don't have that kind of attention span. I have publicly admitted to listening to pop music, so it's probably something of a miracle that I know how to read, much less write.)

On top of which, there are only so many hours in the day, after all, and Cartoon Network is replaying episodes of Robot Chicken that I was too drunk to remember the first time.

I'm not going to go into all the points in your speech: I'll admit, however, that it's somewhat refreshing to hear someone in power point out that the Defense budget could use some trimming. You're going to take some hits from the GOP on that, but stand firm. It's got to happen.

Now, here's the thing, though. I voted for you - hell, I even volunteered for your campaign. But I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. Although you came out and told people you were a centrist, you made a lot of promises, and, while you've come through on a lot of them, there's also a bunch of things you haven't done.

Does "Guantanamo" ring a bell?

And, frankly, you've already said that you'd stand firm on not renewing the Bush tax cuts. That was about three months before you renewed them again.

Well, it's only been five months since the last switch, and here you are, saying "I refuse to renew them again."

So, you know, funny thing: it's kind of difficult to believe you, when you've already lied about something once.

But I'll tell you what. Let's set up a plan now, for what to do at some unnamed point in the future when you decide to cave in compromise again (as, admittedly, you have on a lot of things that are fairly important to those of us on the left side of the aisle: single-payer health care or the Public Option; war-crimes charges for... well, anybody who committed war-crimes, really; and - not to keep harping on this - Guantanamo).

Let's put it up to a vote. Not Congress, but the American people. If you decide that some subject is too much of a hot potato politically, even if the majority of the American people are for it, how about if, instead of just abandoning those liberal, all-American principles that give Rupert Murdoch heart palpitations, how about if you just put it up to the American voter? Stick a simple, unslanted question onto the ballot: "Should the Bush-era tax cuts be extended?" See what the answer is. I think you'll be surprised.

And maybe you can lead up to this with a few more speeches like this last one. Let's be real - you're never going to be popular with Republicans. They don't like you for a number of reasons (and the fact that you're black may not even be at the top of the list). Point out simple logic, like "if tax breaks for the rich created jobs, shouldn't George W. Bush have left office with no unemployment in the country at all?"

You can't make everybody happy. In fact, you can't make the GOP happy at all. Can you please just ignore Limbaugh and Hannity shrieking, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that you're the "most liberal president ever!" for just a minute, and do what's right? Please?

If you don't get the joke, you might be a Republican

By Capt. Fogg

Well no wonder they don't think The Daily Show is funny and don't notice when Colbert rips them to pieces.

Some scientific folks at UC San Francisco have completed a study indicating that people in the early stages of dementia have lost the snark detection system most of us were born with and can't tell when you're lying or being facetious. It explains a lot of things, actually, from why people send their life savings to Nigeria to why they can support a candidate who changes his entire philosophy from hour to hour to negate whatever his opponent says.

"Divergent Neuroanatomic Correlates of Sarcasm and Lie Comprehension in Neurodegenerative Disease," a paper presented Thursday at the 63rd Annual Meeting of the American Academy of Neurology in Hawaii, suggests that dementia can be detected earlier by noting this telltale disability. Fans of Blade Runner will smile and those of us baffled by the thought processes of Sarah Palin disciples will say "AHAH!" Perhaps we can now begin to understand why there are no really funny conservative comedians and how John McCain can flip and flop faster than a Cray supercomputer without fostering the slightest cynicism from the right.

After all, what has been eroded by disease in some people may simply not exist in others.

Fukushima Mon Amour

By Octopus

Curious how human beings reduce natural phenomena to pithy terms: A Richter scale for earthquakes; five categories for storms and tornadoes; a number seven for deadly sins and nuclear alerts.

Earlier this week, authorities in Japan raised the severity alert of the Fukushima Daiichi power plant to a level seven - a Chernobyl scale disaster - reflecting prolonged releases of radiation and wider consequences than previously thought. For weeks, levels of radioactive iodine and cesium in air, rainwater, vegetables, and dairy cattle have far exceeded normal limits.

Despite the catastrophic scope of last month’s earthquake and tsunami, the people of the Rising Sun consider themselves fortunate in at least one respect. Radioactive clouds of steam and smoke have blown eastward over the Pacific Ocean and away from major population centers in Japan. Yet, millions of gallons of radioactive coolant water were discharged at sea, and it may be years before the impact on ocean ecosystems is fully understood.

Ocean dumping of nuclear waste was banned by international treaty in the 1970s. Of concern to scientists now is not the immediate level of radioactivity but the longer-term consequences. Even minute amounts of radiation have the potential to be absorbed by plants and animals and enter the food chain. As smaller fish are eaten by larger fish, heavy metals and their radioactive counterparts bio-accumulate up the food chain until the ultimate consumer – the human population – is put at maximum risk.

W. Eugene Smith, Minamata

Nuclear waste is a subset of the larger problem of industrial pollution, and Fukushima is merely the latest chapter of a long and appalling saga: Minamata, Love Canal, Bhopal, Deepwater Horizon, Libby Asbestos, Exxon Valdez, Three Mile Island, and Chernobyl, as the most grotesque examples.  Entire ecosystems destroyed for generations, landscapes and seascapes laid waste and barren, dead zones and ghost towns, crippled economies and ruined lives … our world dies by a thousand blows.

Paul Fusco, Chernobyl

To maintain lavish lifestyles, we consume prodigious amounts of energy and pay for it  – not just in unit costs per BTU – but in terms of health and human life. In this unholy bargain, we have come to regard consumers and workers as fungibles and expendables, as a necessary sacrifice in exchange for a profligate and reckless economic system gone mad. Yet, incident after incident, and year after year, we continue to place our trust in the infallibility of our technologies and enterprises. It is a pact made with Mephistopheles Inc.

Free exercise

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;"

All well and good, but as it so often happens, the ignorant, angry rabble the constitution was designed to prevent from directly controlling our country disagree. According to a CNN poll this morning, 64% of Americans responding, support a federal ban on garments that hide the face; garments which are required by the free exercise of some religious denominations. So much for our constant squealing about Freedom.

Where are the cries of too much government I have to listen to constantly? There's a move here to eliminate licensing for professions that now require them, like Yacht brokerage -- in the interest of "less government" and because, as the local paper says, "it will make it easier to get into the business." I'm sure it will, especially for the unscrupulous.

I had to listen to a tantrum in Miami International Airport the other day, when a man decided the overly long walk to the customs hall was the result of "too much government," but telling us how to constitute our families, who we may marry, what clothes we may not wear, what religion we may not freely exercise? Well, now, that's different!

Justice for the menstrual murderers!

To: Rep. John Merrill (R-Tuscaloosa)

cc: Letters to the Editor, Tuscaloosa News

Dear Representative Merrill,

Congratulations, sir! Thank you for standing up for the rights of unborn Americans everywhere. Or at least in Alabama.

Trying to amend both the legal code and the Constitution of the Great State of Alabama to define the word "person" as: "any human being from the moment of fertilization or the functional equivalent thereof" is a bold move, and would certainly make abortion illegal immediately.

I would like to point out a few difficulties that you'll be facing on the long road ahead of you, though. For one thing, the Census is certainly going to be more difficult, as all of the formerly-ignored blastocyst-Americans will need to be counted as well. And if we just rely on self-reporting, we will already be under-counting a huge number of Alabama citizens, as women aren't always immediately aware that they are pregnant.

So you'll need to think about that. Fortunately, you have just under a decade to consider the problem.

Furthermore, you will have to develop a completely new arm of the Alabama Department of Public Safety, to investigate all of the millions of new charges of murder that will have to be filed every year. After all, having declared them to be persons, they have rights, and their deaths must be investigated, right? And the mothers must at least be charged with manslaughter; that's the law.

I suppose that a mandatory pregnancy test for every post-pubescent woman is a possibility, but those tests are not extremely reliable, and a positive result would have to be verified. And all this takes us awfully close to the area of government-sponsored healthcare, which must be destroyed - after all, we know that Jesus would support allowing the poor to die in the streets if they couldn't afford a doctor.

You did take into account the fact that two-thirds of all fertilized eggs fail to implant in the mother's womb, right? And if you allow this newly-legalized human life to be simply flushed away, you are just as guilty as the murderous woman who refused to allow the child berth in her womb!

That is really a tricky question when you think about it. If life does begin at conception, wouldn't Heaven be filled wall-to-wall with little floating fetuses? But then again, since they were never baptized and never accepted Jesus into their unformed hearts, they would have gone straight to Hell, where their little unborn souls could simply be used as fuel for the furnaces. This would be very efficient, and exactly the way that a loving God would have designed the system.

I suppose that it's possible that you were unaware of this dirty little secret of human pregnancy. After all, Alabama's educational system does rank about forty-fifth among the fifty states, and as a graduate of the University of Alabama, this does place you at a disadvantage.

But I'm sure that you aren't adding billions of dollars to the Alabama deficit simply because you're stubbornly, pig-ignorantly arrogant, but simply because you love Alabama so much.

Thank you for your time,
A Concerned Citizen
_______________

Update: So, it seems that Rep. Merrill, in the true spirit of Republican governance, doesn't really want to talk to people who aren't donating money to him.

Despite what it says on his webpage, the email address john@tuscaloosagop.org gets rejected immediately. Now, if you look into it a little, the link on his webpage actually opens up an email to ohn@tuscaloosagop.org (no "j"). And that email address actually makes it into the Tuscaloosa GOP servers before being rejected as nonexistent.

I suppose I could have printed it out and mailed it. After all, he provides both his work address and his office at the Statehouse (and his home address, for the love of Bacchus!) on his webpage. But that would take, you know, time and money and stuff. Instead, I sent it to every Democratic member of the Health Committee, who are currently considering both of Merrill's bills.

Easier that way.

When Trolls Mark Your Territory

By Octopus

When unwelcome trolls visit your weblogs and treat you like a dog, it reminds me of that most basic of animal instincts: Marking the territory.  They think their scent trail confers a right to stake a claim.

As stray dogs spray shrubbery, stray trolls drop unwelcome messages.  Their purpose is to relieve themselves - its not your lap or leg they want - and responding to them only encourages them.  Never cave to temptation by starting a conversation.  To rid yourself of nettlesome pests, does it make sense to reward them with a bone?

Cayenne pepper or Dog-B-Gone may work outdoors, but repellants have no effect on the Internet.  I recommend a liberal use of the ‘delete button.’  Even the most persistent critter responds to Pavlov conditioning, gets the hint, and eventually goes away.

Which is more important to you: The quality of your online interactions, or counting the number of snarls and yelps in the Community Dog Bark of your comment box?  Once you rid yourself of annoying pests, think of the free time you will have to read a book, write the Great American Post, and keep in touch with exalted loved ones.

Update (Sun Apr 10, 2011): For more commentary on this bane of bloggers, please go to Bloggingdino's classic post, You Might Be a Troll If ... (A Long Essay on Trolls and Trollery).

The GOP and the government shutdown

Funny how quick they are to deny it, now that they're actually planning it...

The part I find funniest? Newt Gingrich's bit. After all, he was responsible for the last government shutdown, in 1995. (Which, incidentally, might have helped improve Clinton's approval ratings - so good planning there, guys).

Is Prosser Cuter than Kloppenburg?

Or is the Assistant Prosecutor cuter than Prosser? Open thread …

Update (12:26 AM): Democrats Win Walker's Old Office In Landslide Victory: One thumbs up, one more to go.

Update (1:06 AM): Kloppenburg up again, by about 1500 votes with 97% of precincts in - a real nail biter!

Update (Wed, 1:00 PM): Kloppenburg has 739,574 votes to Prosser's 739,350 -- a lead of 224 votes, a tentative hurray pending the outcome of the recount.

Update (Wed, 5:00 PM): Its Kloppenburg by 204 votes. Hippity-hop, hurray!

Wisconsin's first chance to fight back

Pro-Republican astroturf groups, led by the Koch brothers, will spend an estimated two million dollars this week for next Tuesday's State Supreme Court election.



Wisconsin Democrats are asking everyone supporting them to spread this video as far as possible.

Is it something in the water?

You know, when I think of Indiana, a little neon sign in my head never immediately started blinking "small-minded idiots" before now.

I mean, yeah, despite the name of your state, you fucked over the Native Americans living there, with various groups of Europeans alternately arming rival tribes so that they could pretty much wipe each other out before you pushed them off their land. But we were doing that all over the country, right?

Indiana has big chunks of the history we learned in school (well, you know, those of us who learned things in school, anyway): splitting off from the Northwest Territory, Tecumseh, the War of 1812, George Rogers Clark, William Henry Harrison - you can't avoid Indiana if you're studying the history of this country.

But it's weird. You, as a state, have this weird love of taking control of people's bodies away from them. It's like some kind of weird compulsion: "You are cattle! You will breed when and where we tell you! Und Indiana vill grow strong!!"

I mean, crap! What the hell is wrong with you people?

In 1907, Governor Frank Hanly, a good Republican, made Indiana the first state to practice eugenics when he signed the Compulsory Sterilization Law “to prevent procreation of confirmed criminals, idiots, imbeciles and rapists.”

The next governor, who was apparently less of a fan of fascism, stopped it two years later, and the law was found unconstitutional when it finally made it to the Indiana Supreme Court 14 years later! (the wheels of "justice" don't exactly spin quickly in the Hoosier state).

This flourishing of freedom and American values apparently made the people of Indiana cranky, because six years later, they pushed through an almost identical bill, which applied to "inmates of state institutions, who are insane, idiotic, imbecile, feebleminded, and epileptic, and who by the laws of heredity are the probable potential parents of socially inadequate offspring likewise afflicted." A law which stayed in effect in Indiana until 1974.

Despite their efforts to breed die Herrenrasse clear up to the Disco Era, Dan Quayle was still born in Indianapolis. Which tells you just how effective these policies actually are.

And now they're at it again. Republicans in Indiana have introduced a bill to make abortions illegal after 20 weeks. And when state Rep. Gail Riecken (D-Of Course) introduced an amendment to exempt "women who became pregnant due to rape or incest, or women for whom pregnancy threatens their life or could cause serious and irreversible physical harm," it was voted down 42 to 54.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Your baby is going to kill you? Tough shit. Hope you got a will." Interesting definition of Right to Life.

Apparently, according to state Rep. Eric Turner (R-Fuck You), this amendment would give women a "giant loophole" and they would just lie about getting raped. Or, presumably, dying.

(So, Eric Turner is a big supporter of incestuous families - I wonder what that says about his home life?)

I mean, there's really no excuse for this. Indiana ranks as the thirteenth smartest state, which... you know... top third, right? Good solid B average. And you've got Notre Dame... OK, admittedly a bad choice, being a Catholic university and all. But there's still Purdue! You've got education in your state! Why are you trying to go back to the dark ages?

But more than that, why is it that crazy people tend to rise to the top in Indiana? I mean, Michael Jackson, who single-handedly set out to destroy pop music forever, was born and raised in Gary, Indiana.

John Dillinger, gangster, bank robber, and legendary cocksman, was born in Indianapolis. Ten years later and 50 miles southwest, Jimmy Hoffa was born in Brazil, Indiana, and we still don't know where that fucker ended up.

There's just something about Indiana that makes crazy people end up getting into positions of power.

Like Carlos F. Lam, the Indiana prosecutor who ended up resigning after his advice to Wisconsin governor Scott Walker became public: Lam suggested Walker should fake an attack on himself to "discredit the unions." (To his credit, how was he to know that Walker had already discarded that idea because it might have backfired on him?)

And then, just because Indiana lawmakers hadn't embarrassed themselves enough, we get to find out about Ms. Bei Bei Shuai.

The facts of this case are heartbreaking. On December 23, 2010, Shuai, a 34-year-old pregnant woman who was suffering from a major depressive disorder, attempted to take her own life. Friends found her in time and persuaded her to get help. Six days later, Shuai underwent cesarean surgery and delivered a premature newborn girl who, tragically, died four days later.

On March 14, 2011, Shuai was arrested, jailed, and charged with murder and attempted feticide...

The state is misconstruing the criminal laws in this case in such a way that any pregnant woman could be prosecuted for doing (or attempting) anything that may put her health at risk, regardless of the outcome of her pregnancy.

That's right: according to the ways the laws are being applied here, the state of Indiana believes that any pregnant woman who smokes or lives with a smoker, who works long hours on her feet, who is overweight, who doesn't exercise, or who fails to get regular prenatal care, is a felon.

We need a new word for this crime. I'd like to suggest "Indianacide."

So, we're opposed to big government. Unless we're allowed to use it to monitor every action of every pregnant woman in the state? Is that how this works?

But hey, say what you want about Indiana, at least the trains run on time, right?