Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Your papers please

I admire Arizona's own particular brand of conservatism. Some would rather have it called Libertarianism but whatever you call it, I don't think it goes far enough. To give license to any policeman to assume probable cause to stop and search and demand papers of anyone who looks foreign is all well and good, but if it's confined to Arizona it just ain't enough. We need to follow Arizona's lead and make it national policy and any cop from Athol Massachusetts to Zebulon Georgia should be able to stop and demand papers of anyone below a certain level of blondness.

Because of Arizona's proximity to sources of ethnic pollution all cars with AZ plates should be stopped and searched and all air passengers arriving from Phoenix should be shunted aside for special handling. If even one leaf blower wielding, dish washing, fruit picking, leprosy carrying insurgent is stopped, it's worth the minor inconvenience. Of course there are those who need to be exempted from the rule - take New Mexico Governor Richardson or former Attorney General Gonzalez. We could have RFID transponders injected under their skin to identify them as trusted members of suspicious races so no celebrities, lawyers or politicians will be Tasered, beaten or otherwise humiliated in the process.

Again, Arizona leads the way in demanding that all candidates for President must present proof of US birth to be on the AZ ballot. Libertarians who profess to be strict constitutionalists may find a problem here, but I'm sure that the gravity of the problem will change their minds. It's also very important to define the nature of the proof lest the candidate furnish a state certified certificate attested to by the governor and director of vital records and attempt to fool State officials with it. It will take some work, but it can be done. In fact the bill gives the Arizona Attorney General discretion in the matter. According to the bill passed by the Arizona House on Monday, partisan or racial or ethnic suspicion alone is probable cause to reject the candidate and keep him off the ballot. Fortunately, House Republicans were able to pass the bill before Tuesday so as not to give Liberal terrorist supporters (if you'll forgive the redundancy) a chance to say it was done in honor of Hitler's birthday.

There are some Hitler loving, Maoist Liberal heretics in Arizona however. It's hard to believe but Phoenix Democratic Representative Kyrsten Sinema thinks all this is making Arizona a laughing stock, but that's easily countered by a sustained barrage of hysterical accusations of Communism, Fascism and palling around with terrorists. Works every time. It's like shooting Liberals in a barrel.


  1. As a saurischean-American, will I have to produce papers in Athol, Phoenix and Zebulon? I think I may have an exotic animal vet's Certificate of Classification as a Protected Member of the Extinct Species List somewhere. Still, I'm not blond, I'm khaki. Maybe they'll have to add a line to the old jingle encapsulating the racist color scale: "If you're khaki, don't get wacky." Somehow, I suspect that the New Dispensation isn't going to be good for the likes of me OR for the non-white people in this country. I also suspect that many of those who support such a law know exactly what they're doing and it has precious little to do with protecting our sacred blue-eyed, blondie-locked borders.

  2. Well, there go my hopes for presidency.

    Wait... Oh, never mind. (You guys have to change that law, it's not fair.)

    If you're khaki, don't get wacky.

    Words to (never) live by, Dino. :)

  3. Since I live in the Sunshine State, I hope the song doesn't include: "if you're tanned, you're banned," because the amount of seething hatred of Hispanics and the Spanish language all blocks out the smell of the Jasmine that's in bloom this week. Maybe I'll have to stay out of the sun.

  4. Other dino lines:

    If you're green, stay mean.

    If you're mottled, stay bottled.

  5. If you're pied, get fried.
    If you're spotted get potted.
    If you've got gills, take pills.

    If you're green, leave the scene.
    If you've got tentacles. . . eeeeyew - gross!

  6. And if you're from Athol - well just die and get it over with. Your life's just going to be a living hell anyway.

    Hi, I'm Mr. Whipple from Athol.
    Damn! I thought I smelled something

  7. "Hi, I'm Mr. Whipple from Athol.
    Damn! I thought I smelled something"

    Thath'th juth mean. If thath wittle town in Matthachuthetteth ith the Athol of America, then whath will we call Phoenikth?

  8. Phoenikth? Wasn't there a Pharaoh by that name? Phoenikth the Penikth?

  9. Captain - If you've got tentacles. . . eeeeyew - gross!

    If you're an octopus,
    Behold the priapus.

  10. Nice post Capitan!
    The right can't seem to understand that Foreign is in the eye of the beholder.Being olive rather than brown skinned makes me look foreign on a reservation, in a Caucasian area it also makes me look foreign.


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