2012

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Last year was a close call. We dodged the Rapture because Harold Camping consulted the wrong calendar. However, next year promises certain Doom. How certain, you ask? This time, the Mayan Calendar folks got it right:

In the Mayan calendar, 20 days made a uinal, 18 uinals (360 days) made a tun, 20 tuns made a k'atun, and 20 k'atuns (144,000 days or roughly 394 years) made up a b'ak'tun. Mayan date notation is simple and straightforward. Take this Myan date for example: 8.3.2.10.15. It represents 8 b'ak'tuns, 3 k'atuns, 2 tuns, 10 uinals and 15 days. Easy!

According to legend, the world will come to an end in the thirteenth b'ak'tun, or Mayan date 13.0.0.0.0 (please note the unlucky number,13, which means the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012).

According to my calculations, we have only 355 days left. That is why your industrious Octopus has been making preparations. My plan is to requisition Captain Fogg’s boat, Blue Moon, and build a barge to ferry our RBD (‘Really Big Dinosaur’) to safety under a canopy of camouflage. When the dreaded End Time arrives, our beloved Swash Zone family will set sail across the Blue State horizon until we reach our fabled Progressive Promise Land.

One problem remains unsolved: When the welkin-eyed critters of the original Earth filed two-by-two aboard the original Ark (Version 1, Release 1, Beta 1), how did Noah prevent the wolves from devouring the sheep and keep Cheetah’s paws off the lovely and alluring Gazelle Thomson? The Good Book doesn’t say.

Did Noah use tranquilizers? Sleeping pills? Saltpeter? Music for cats? (Here are the lyrics for Apocalypse Meow: “tun, k’a'tun, tun, b’ak’a'tun.”)  How will our liberal-elitist-socialist-commie-pinko community keep the peace – and keep our critters docile through the long voyage?  Shall we institute Sister Sheria Law?  Will the Cynic finally get a name?   Shall we festoon our Rocky Raccoon with Šťastný Nový Rok?

Happy New Year, everyone!

(RSVP – reservations and resolutions recommended)