Well folks, here it is again. The doomsday circus is back in town and guess what's happening in the big top in less than three days - that's right, it's the rapture and we're all gonna die screaming! OK, maybe some of y'all are actually Holy Smoke Church members and won't have to sit here through the tectonic shimmy, the lakes of fire and all the other rides while Jesus, like some Mexican wrestler with a gruesome mask is gonna kick some infidel ass, but not yours, Mr. camo pants. You get to go to the magic kingdom. You'll have to leave the truck behind, of course.
Yes, May 21, 2011 is right around the corner and Doomsday, as it has been countless times before, is almost here. For perhaps the first time however, these prophets have recognized that there are a dozen time zones and so Saturday at 6:00 PM, starting at the International Date Line out in the pacific, the apocalypse will march across the planet at a thousand miles per hour - boy can those horses move! That means we'll get to watch it all on TV as that Titanium robot, or whatever Jesus comes dressed as these days. kicks hell out of Asia and moves on toward Europe. That will give a lot of people her in God's own US of A enough time to convert and yes, you can do it on line through Paypal.
Not me though, It's going to be months before the planet is cleansed of disbelief and animal life and since the righteous will no longer be here, I get to grab their trailers and second hand pickup trucks and ATV's and firearms and stuff and me and the other heretics can shoot guns and barbeque like Ted Nugent. It's gonna be a hell of a party - as long as the beer don't run out before that lake of fire thing.
Anyway, the Rapture should hit the fan at my house at 7:00 PM Eastern Daylight time according to God's infallible plan. That's about the time pious Jews will be ending the Sabbath and I'll be watching it all unfold from poolside and I'll have plenty of ice on hand. Perhaps I'll live blog the whole thing. Stay tuned.
Are they certain? I don't want to withdraw all my savings and spend wildly only to find that I'm still here on May 22. Oops, rethink that. I don't know if I'm Rapture worthy. Any idea what happens to those of us who don't disappear in the Rapture?
ReplyDeleteNew idea. I'll hang out in a wealthy neighborhood on May 21, some place where they wear a lot of expensive jewelry. When they are taken in the Rapture, I'll just collect their valuables. Can wealthy people participate in the Rapture?
Any guidance would be helpful.
I'm thinking the Rapture may be the universe's way of rewarding us by talking all those loud mouth, hateful people away and leaving the rest of us in peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about throwing a day after rapture party on the 22nd - maybe make it an annual event.
I heard there is a group of atheists offering to take the pets those planning on being raptured.
And I'll be taking remedial proofreading lessons real soon!
ReplyDeleteSo .. unrelated but I guess this means I'm the only person who can't access their Blogger dashboard?
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to know whether or not a dinosaur can get a ticket. Can I at least get on standby?
ReplyDeleteI'm having a dinner party on Saturday, so at least I'll be amongst friends when the world erupts in flames...
ReplyDeleteGood question Dino, I don't know what the lift capacity of those Rapture Rays are or whether raptors get raptured at all -- and I can't find it on the web, but surely you don't hate Obama enough to qualify.
ReplyDeleteOf course I have the same thoughts as Sheria. Some of the wealthiest live a stone's throw from me and I really, really do need a bigger yacht, but then I doubt people like Mr. Fuld or Tiger are going anywhere soon.
I wonder, should I put up the hurricane shutters?
Here is the weekend weather forecast. Please note Sa****ay and Sunday (and how extra special 'good' I am).
ReplyDeleteAh just stick a plastic fish on your car and you won't have anything to worry about. If you don't have a fish, just send $19.95 plus shipping and handling, but call soon because I can't do this all day. Call in the next ten minutes and we'll double the offer -- but wait, there's more. . .
ReplyDeleteGreat minds think alike, Ms. Sheria. My plan is to hangout close to the Harley dealship & pick up my husband a new hog!
ReplyDeleteI am guessing that eventually someone will forecast the Rapture and then the right wing nutjobs will get so POed that they are still here that they will cause the destruction of the earth. It is my personal prediction that IF or WHEN an actual Rapture occurs only 10 or 12 people worldwide will disappear and noone will really notice.
My husband believes we are already in hell. :-)
I was planning to wait over at the local Hatteras dealer, but you know, there's a Harley place right on the way there. But can we count on any salesmen to be going to Heaven this Saturday -- or ever? I'm sure the place will be open for business.
ReplyDeleteI'm really interested to see what that idiot Camping has to say come Saturday. You know he had proof of the end times back in the 90's but there's always a new crop of idiots waiting.