Reading the Trolls

Troll infections seem to come in clusters. Often frustrated trolls will assume multiple identities so that they can get in another word before they're identified and locked out or perhaps they enlist other trolls down at the International Brotherhood of Morons hall to join them, but they do arrive, each one confident and bright-eyed and sure that some totally irrelevant and baseless observation will cause great consternation amongst the 'Libtards.'  Sure that they can get away with posing as wise and informed and superior as a brown shirt in a beer hall.

I used to have a Shi-Tzu; 12 pounds and elderly, he never hesitated to go after pit bulls and dobermans, pawing the ground and snarling, leaving me to sort the matter out with the usually laughing owner of the other dog. He never learned.  He never could. He was a dog and driven by a dog's instincts. Humans could laugh and drag the animals apart.

But that was in the real world.  The blog world exists in the dark where both the bystanders and those who hold the leashes are invisible. Whence cometh our help?  Don't look up, there's nobody there.  So the guy who shows up under some assumed name, thinking himself a political lion, wearing his Tea Party Ghost Shirt and weighing in with a 97 IQ never has the opportunity to feel shame or hear the laughter directed at his idiocy. As far as the dog was concerned he won every "debate."

Even the pathetic 12 year old with a spray can and a backwards hat can, however briefly, see his initials on the boxcar or warehouse wall. The troll doesn't always have that pleasure unless of course we give it to him by making  the mistake of taking him seriously enough to explain why his treasured contribution is wrong. His only purpose is that brief feeling of significance he gets from making you angry. Reply and he wins. Treat him with dignity and respect and you lose. He's a troll.

Prove him wrong and his argument false?  That's usually, as the inimitable Arnold would say, a Big Mistake, because of course, you can't refute tags like "Obama is a turd" by any rational means, nor can one convince the Klansman or the village idiot that a spray painted swastika on a synagogue isn't just hilarious.  One can only delete, paint over the grafitti before the troll's friends get to admire the shit stains.

More problematic than the "taggers" are trolls who have bought the little red book, full of slogans and shibboleths, talking points and lies so rank and septic you just can't resist that all too easy seeming shot to the head.  They may appear on the surface to be amenable to an easy and irrefutable proof of their error, but it's a trap because one is, in essence, arguing with a zombie -- a mindless program consisting of  countless IF THEN GOSUB routines (for those of you who remember FORTRAN) which take each unassailable observation, every brass bound QED, every thermonuclear refutation and return some irrelevant reply that steers your argument out into the back alley by the dumpster where the thugs lurk.

"No sir, the Blue Cross policy you buy through the ACA does not have hidden provisions to murder your grandmother and prevent your doctor from removing that infected appendix."  Easy to prove, but suddenly you find yourself  arguing about how denial of coverage for pre-existing conditions is what Jefferson devoutly wished for America and how Hitler used guaranteed access to health care to gas the Jews and how Obama is a Muslim, Communist, illegal alien and you're in a labyrinth where every branch has a thousand branches and a Minotaur at every turn.  Health care reform is the worst thing ever to happen in America and worse than Slavery, and Obama will eat your children. They're hear to shout that and not to argue with you.

Annoyed and frustrated trying to prove that A times B equals B times A to a senile Shi-Tzu with cataracts and poor hearing?  That's what the Tea Party is all about; reading Doctor Suess to Congress and blaming the Democrats for not ignoring the law.  Losing the chess game and turning over the board.  Starting a one legged blind man as quarterback and then kidnapping the referee until he "cooperates" with your "negotiation."

The one reason I enjoy The Swash Zone is the comment section and the regular participants. The reason I want to quit, to move to some remote Caribbean cottage with no internet, is the comment section.

TV shows like The Walking Dead have become the metaphor for the Idiot's Crusade and worse -- at least the zombies are independently devoid of brains and full of destructive rage.  The Republican insurgents are being directed, used, sent out like biological weapons to destroy Democracy for a purpose. It's a zombie apocalypse and there are just too damned many of them and more all the time.  Reading the trolls, writing the same things after all this time, getting nowhere leads me inexorably to that one overwhelming question:  Belize or Dominica?

Ablow the man down

So, another Monday morning in this best of all possible countries; this greatest there ever was since the Big Bang and greatest there will ever be until Jesus comes back. And what do I read in the news this proud American morning?

Mark Sanford, as though he hadn't disgraced himself enough as Governor of South Carolina, calls President Obama a spear chucker.  Don't tempt me, Mark.

The American Family Association, that Far Right group of  Freaky Fundies masquerading as an American Family Association tells it's cult members to keep their kids out of school for an Oct 30
anti-bullying event, “Mix It Up For Lunch Day,” they insist, is 

"just another thinly veiled attempt to promote the homosexual agenda."  

Imagine trying to tell kids it isn't the Christian thing to do to beat up gay kids or torment them to the point of suicide.  What would Jesus do, after all?

And on Fox & Friends some alleged psychiatrist aptly named Ablow declared that Vice President Biden was probably demented based on what he saw in the 'debate' with Lyin' Ryan.

“I did not evaluate Joe Biden, but if someone said to me, we want you to do what’s really required. You have to put dementia on the differential diagnosis. You have to say bizarre laughter, interrupting. If this were your dad or your grandfather, wouldn’t you say if you brought him to me, Keith, tell me, is he suffering with dementia? Because he can’t seem to listen, he’s laughing inappropriately.”

I did not evaluate, so I know the problem. How very Fox.  Is this what they call an Ablow job?    to tell the truth, Ryan makes me laugh at him  too and I just can't listen to the goddamn lies and sedition from the foreign owned Fascist propaganda organization any more, nor do I think laughter is what is really needed here as a national response to the Idiot's Crusade. Bring back the laughing stock!

I read this morning at Raw Story that

"A Florida judge has ruled that a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who believes he is the “Prince of God” and is convinced that he will be resurrected to sit for eternity at God’s right hand is sane and can put to death next week."

Good to know that such people are considered sane in Florida and perhaps that explains why according to my local paper 81% of this county's inmates plan to vote for Mitt the Shit and Lyin' Ryan. So the hell with the Supreme Court ruling against killing the insane, We don't need no damn government and we're gonna do the Christian thing anyway.  Jesus is going to need a man like Prince John Ferguson when it comes time to shove the Jews into the lake of fire after the Rapture.

My current issue of Newsweek has a lurid cover story proving that heaven is real because some guy who went into a coma from meningitis says he went to heaven and met beautiful women there.  Another straight to the recycling bin issue.

So perhaps we have to put dementia in the differential diagnosis of our national psyche and definitely we have to be grateful there isn't a YHWH to blow America to kingdom come or to wherever Sodom wound up, because if this is the best of all possible countries, no god worth his apocalypse would stand for our sad, demented, ugly and hate filled planet. Or perhaps I'm wrong about that and perhaps that's what the newly discovered comet 2012 S1 (ISON) due to fill the sky in about a year is all about. If it doesn't blow us all to hell, perhaps the fundies and righties and all the other dimwitted, demented friends of the Fox will dress in purple robes and tennis shoes and take the Cyanide Express to the Mother Ship.  Even in the worst of times, there's always hope.

Apocalypse tomorrow

What you gonna do
When Death come creepin' in your room?
O my Lord what shall I do?
Gonna run, gonna hide,
Gonna fall on bended knee
O my Lord what shall I do?

Mance Lipscomb -Run sinner, run-

_______________

The clock is ticking folks. What are you going to do? Duct tape and plastic sheeting? I don't think so. You need to be prepared for anything. The CDC, the Center for Disease Control thinks you're remiss if you haven't prepared for the Zombies who may well be roaming the streets after Saturday evening's apocalypse, looking for brains. (It you're a Teabagger, you can stop reading now. You won't have a problem there.) The CDC link will take you to a list of recommended supplies:

"So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored). . . . for a full list visit the CDC Emergency page."

In addition, I would certainly include firearms, at least one of which should be a shotgun ( and lots of shells) and always remember to aim for the head.

For those of you who are sure you're actually going to be raptured, I'd suggest you wear sky blue clothing since many of us will be down here with shotguns and itchy trigger fingers and not only Ted Nugent. Don't be an easy target. Don't dress like a duck or a zombie.

Here are a few tips:

1) Refrain from drinking liquids after 3:00 PM, there are no rest stops along the way
and God doesn't like to pull over.

2) Say goodbye to us sinners before leaving the atmosphere. In Space, no one can
hear you scream.

3) Bring a firearm. There will lots of traffic and that means road rage.

4) And behave yourself -- don't make God stop the car and come back there!

UPDATE:  Your Weekend Weather Forecast:

Apocalypse fer sure

By Capt. Fogg


Well folks, here it is again. The doomsday circus is back in town and guess what's happening in the big top in less than three days - that's right, it's the rapture and we're all gonna die screaming! OK, maybe some of y'all are actually Holy Smoke Church members and won't have to sit here through the tectonic shimmy, the lakes of fire and all the other rides while Jesus, like some Mexican wrestler with a gruesome mask is gonna kick some infidel ass, but not yours, Mr. camo pants. You get to go to the magic kingdom. You'll have to leave the truck behind, of course.

Yes, May 21, 2011 is right around the corner and Doomsday, as it has been countless times before, is almost here. For perhaps the first time however, these prophets have recognized that there are a dozen time zones and so Saturday at 6:00 PM, starting at the International Date Line out in the pacific, the apocalypse will march across the planet at a thousand miles per hour - boy can those horses move! That means we'll get to watch it all on TV as that Titanium robot, or whatever Jesus comes dressed as these days. kicks hell out of Asia and moves on toward Europe. That will give a lot of people her in God's own US of A enough time to convert and yes, you can do it on line through Paypal.

Not me though, It's going to be months before the planet is cleansed of disbelief and animal life and since the righteous will no longer be here, I get to grab their trailers and second hand pickup trucks and ATV's and firearms and stuff and me and the other heretics can shoot guns and barbeque like Ted Nugent. It's gonna be a hell of a party - as long as the beer don't run out before that lake of fire thing.

Anyway, the Rapture should hit the fan at my house at 7:00 PM Eastern Daylight time according to God's infallible plan. That's about the time pious Jews will be ending the Sabbath and I'll be watching it all unfold from poolside and I'll have plenty of ice on hand. Perhaps I'll live blog the whole thing. Stay tuned.

The end, again -- and again

By Capt. Fogg

A friend just drove back from Orlando and reported seeing billboards proclaiming, once again, that the "end of the world" was at hand. I'm never quite sure what these idiots mean by "the world;" whether it's human life, the habitability of the planet or perhaps the existence of existence itself which would be a problem far too complex to discuss, even amongst sane and intelligent people. Let's say I don't really suspect these apocalyptic birdbrains of either virtue.

Might I remind you, if you're one of these folks, that the recent quake and tsunami is insignificant when compared to things that happen regularly on this our only planet? But of course you may be one of those New Earth, 6 day creation idiots, but even then it's pretty small as compared with the explosion of the Santorini volcano or Krakatoa. Even in human times, the ancients weren't as populous and certainly didn't build nuclear power plants. But why discuss reality when the tantalizing lure of doom has the lemmings in thrall?

People have been predicting these things for as long as we have records; some to sell normative religion and others for what seems to be the pure thrill of it. Is there some inherited "daddy's going to whip your ass when he gets home" instinct or is it put there by our Mesopotamian religious heritage? I suspect the former since it creeps up in Norse mythology as well, but who knows? It persists because it makes money and gives power, at least temporarily -- particularly for those prophets who offer early destruction and provide dates and times. Some of those have to suggest mass suicide to avoid embarrassment as time inevitably rolls on past the deadline.

I can't wait for 2012, which I suspect won't mean the "end of an error" or the end of anything really important. 1982 came and went at the same petty pace and the end of the last millennium passed as smoothly as last Wednesday. I'm willing to bet we'll stop attributing all that cosmic wisdom to the Mayans by 1/1/13 but of course, I can't lose that bet, can I?

The Rapture idiots, followers of the lunatic of Patmos are still passionately with us, because gibbering John offers more of an "any time now" promise with clues like: "wars and rumors of wars" that obtain to every moment in history, just like earthquakes, floods, famines and outbreaks of disease. Since there's a new crop to replace the ever disappointed dimwits, perhaps nothing short of a true planetary catastrophe will rid us of them.

There are times when I wish for it, particularly if I survive long enough to watch the expression on their non-raptured faces. But I look forward to being here for a number of years, watching them reshuffling the cards, re-reading the entrails, consulting omens and shamans in their shameless way, world without end.

ARMAGEDDON REDUX

(Note:  This is an encore post, not by request or popular demand,

but for the sheer hell of it. Tuesday is Election Day. Need I say more.)

Armageddon is getting a bad rap these days, and perhaps it is time to stop the gratuitous and shameless stereotyping of all things apocalyptic. First, I must correct a common misconception. All usages of the word ‘Armageddon’ assume there can only be one final cataclysmic event followed by no other; hence the word is capitalized and singular in every instance. If you don’t believe me, trying turning the word into a lower case plural without getting an error message in rude red MS Word underscore. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

In fact, there is much diversity in the Kingdom of Armageddon whose inhabitants come in all shapes and sizes, all denominations, all affiliations and persuasions. There are armageddons [sic] of the Earth by tremor and magma; armageddons [sic] of the sky that rain meteors and boiled frogs; and armageddons [sic] that emerge from the sea in the stealth of night and leave telltale hickeys.

There is the Armageddon of healthcare reform that will eat your baby and kill your grandmother; the Armageddon of imbedded microchips hidden under folds that beep in the night; the Manchurian Anti-Christ who will seize your guns and confiscate your property; and Armageddons of war, famine, Bird flue, Swine flu, fast foods and soda pop, anorexic Barbie dolls, and rock-n-roll. Finally, don’t forget the End Times of Apocalypstick Palin, Human Mouse Brain O’Donnell, the Swastika Cross Dressing Id-Iott, and ubiquitous Kochroaches everywhere!

Shall we fear the dreaded Armageddon? It lives among us in our towns and villages. It fills our church pews and voting booths. Perhaps we should accept Armageddon as merely one more force of nature that sends human lemmings over the cliff and restores the natural balance. Armageddon is plagiarism masquerading as hyperbole, and the night will sweat with terror as before we rubbed shoulders with delusional nincompoops hearing voices in their heads.

Bring on the dreaded Armageddon!  Why put off the inevitable!  Besides, you can always hedge your bets and invest in Plutonomy Stocks. *

* A hat tip to His Edginess.

BPocalypse

Every day, I check the latest updates on the Gulf oil spill. The spill is massive; the response of BP is slimier than a cesspool; and our government appears incompetent and impotent. Last night, this article caught my attention, Loop Current Is Now Drawing The BP Oil Disaster To Florida Keys. Sometimes a reader comment is better than the article, such as this one (which follows after the jump):

ARMAGEDDON

Armageddon is getting a bad rap these days, and perhaps it is time to stop the gratuitous and shameless stereotyping of all things apocalyptic. First, I should point out that the dictionary is wrong about the word as a singular entity in every instance and, if you don’t believe me, trying turning the word into a plural without getting a spelling error message in rude red underscore.

In fact, there is much diversity in the realm of Armageddon, whose inhabitants come in all shapes and sizes, all denominations, and all persuasions. There are Armageddons of the Earth by tremor and magma; Armageddons of the sky that rain meteors and boiled frogs; and Armageddons of the sea that emerge in the stealth of night leaving telltale footprints on the mind. There is the Armageddon of healthcare reform that will eat your baby and kill your grandmother; the Armageddon of imbedded microchips hidden under folds that go beep in the night; the Armageddon of socialism and the imagined specter of freedoms lost; and the Armageddons of war, famine, Swine flu, fast foods, soda pop, anorexic Barbie dolls, and rock-n-roll.

Shall we fear the dreaded Armageddon? It lives among us in our towns and villages. It fills church pews and the halls of Congress. Perhaps we should accept Armageddon as merely another force of nature that sends human lemmings over the cliff and helps restore the natural balance. Armageddon is plagiarism masquerading as hyperbole, and the night will always sweat with terror as before we rubbed shoulders with delusional nincompoops hearing voices in their heads.