By Octopus
What makes this year different from all other years? Florida State Senator Nan Rich will finally get her wish: Her long awaited No-Sex-With-Nanny-Goats law. Senator Nan has been crusading for this law since 2006 when a man from Mossy Head Florida allegedly asphyxiated the family goat during an act of deep-throat. Although the suspect was never charged, he was detained months later in a separate goat abduction case.
“There's a tremendous correlation between sexually deviant behavior and crimes against children and crimes against animals," says Senator Nan, confirming what we have long suspected: Goats are a gateway animal leading to more serious crimes.
Approved by unanimous votes in the Florida House and Senate, the new anti-bestiality law targets those who derive, or help others to derive, “sexual gratification” from animals. The new law exempts animal husbandry and their wives, and judges who fondle dogs at dog shows.
Whether or not the new law passes constitutional muster is another matter. In 1971, the Florida Supreme Court struck down a similar law written in 1868 on grounds of being overly vague and overboard. The old law prohibited the "abominable and detestable crime against nature, either with mankind or with beast.'' Is the new law similarly flawed? Will it apply, for example, to consumers of insect pornography:
Will dog owners be prosecuted for aiding and abetting their leg-humping hounds and masturbating mutts? Will citizens be prosecuted for watching how laws are passed in the Florida State Legislature:
Will every citizen be held accountable when “smale foweles maken melodye, That slepen al the nyght with open yë …”
Of course, one accidental goat death cannot compare to the goals and objectives of this organization, The Florida Meat Goat Association. In Florida, where bestiality and necrophilia conspire, you can always count on the state legislature to beat a dead horse.
More lurid legislative tales from the Swash Zone here, here, and here. Next: Meet Governor Grifter of the Sunshine State.
Oh, no, Octo... You didn't...
ReplyDeleteOK, Florida's Legislatures take the prize. I thought when Kentucky couldn't do basic business of the state by passing a budget without a special session because they were arguing about fireworks sales and whether or not we should be able to demand citizenship papers from hot walkers at the tracks, they were the most yahoo of the yahoos.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very enlightening and humorous essay!
Elizabeth.
ReplyDeleteShhh ... pleeze! This is FloriDUH, you know, where DADT is better part of discretion.
Well, it's nice to know that the goats are protected. Does this law cover sheep as well? If not, I can see a discrimination lawsuit in the future. Mary's lamb may need a lawyer.
ReplyDeleteJust took a closer look at the illustration and realized that this law has a personal impact for you, Octo.
ReplyDeleteThis law, has been under discussion for some time and my fondest memory of the proceedings was the objection by one representative who confused animal husbandry with license to marry animals. Yes, this is the kind of representation Florida conservatives give us, but it's nice to know that they do take time out from graft and corruption to entertain us.
ReplyDeleteThat's right, those films we giggled at in freshman courses are now porn and your amorous poodle may just get you in trouble if you laugh at him - hey, laughing is taking pleasure, you pervert and if you think that's funny you'll think it's OK to be a pederast and aren't we glad we have idiots to protect us?
Sheria's right - Octoporn is now illegal in Florida.
Yup, they really are first prize at the county fair. Just remarkable.
ReplyDeleteAs for Octo's personal snapshot, well, what can you say but "che sexy!"
What's next in FL? I think they should make it illegal for tourists to wear garish shorts and show too much white pasty obese flesh And wearing socks with sandals! These are important things!!!
ReplyDeleteThis brings up memories of the vingnette in Woody Allen's film "Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask", where Gene Wilder, playing a psychiatrist treating a lascivious shepherd, falls in love with "Fluffy". Poor Gene is ruined by this relationship, scandal, divorce, ending up on Skid Row drinking Woolite.
ReplyDeleteI'm debating whether or not to link this to FB. Have some young family members and wouldn't want them to see how obscene the Republicans are! Gawd.
ReplyDeleteCapt: Har!
So the Nannys and Billys of the Sunshine State have won protection under law; meanwhile the cephalopods have lost their right to follow their bliss. My message to human beings: Make war, not sushi.
ReplyDeleteI personally have a great affection for goats (read: NOT a sexual attraction!) so I think the slime ball should do time but shouldn't this come under animal abuse laws? Why single out a sexual act from other acts of abuse?
ReplyDeleteThere must be way too much sand in the water down there!
Great news, everyone!
ReplyDeleteIt just occurred to me. Nan’s Law does not include vegetables. So get out your cucumbers and zucchini and have fun.
Great news, everyone!
ReplyDeleteIt just occurred to me. Nan’s Law does not include vegetables. So get out your cucumbers and zucchini and enjoy!
Caveat:
The above does NOT include passion flowers.