I am not an animal

By Capt. Fogg

Said the elephant man, and we know what he meant, but of course if we divide all living things between, viruses, plants, bacteria and so on, you'll find that humans, or most of us anyway, are animals. There was no point in our evolution when we suddenly broke the connection with our past and became something other - we're just big brained apes.

Big brained apes who like sex however, should stay out of Florida says Southern Fried Science with tongue firmly implanted in Southern cheek, since the language of Florida's latest legislative idiocy Law that outlaws sex with or the enjoyment of watching the sexual activities of animals, would outlaw sex between human animals -- as well as watching porn, human or animal -- unless you're a veterinarian or horse breeder of course, in which case, saddle up!

"An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices"

Ok, ok, I'm stretching the point, since Florida law does distinguish between human and non human animals and since this one doesn't use the word "person," that Spring Break escapade in Daytona isn't necessarily going to get you locked up, but of course in the Bible belt, evolution never happened in the first place, we're not animals but animated mud and so no foul here. Sorry to have bothered you.

The Florida Legislator Who Stares at Goats

By Octopus

What makes this year different from all other years? Florida State Senator Nan Rich will finally get her wish: Her long awaited No-Sex-With-Nanny-Goats law. Senator Nan has been crusading for this law since 2006 when a man from Mossy Head Florida allegedly asphyxiated the family goat during an act of deep-throat. Although the suspect was never charged, he was detained months later in a separate goat abduction case.

“There's a tremendous correlation between sexually deviant behavior and crimes against children and crimes against animals," says Senator Nan, confirming what we have long suspected: Goats are a gateway animal leading to more serious crimes.

Approved by unanimous votes in the Florida House and Senate, the new anti-bestiality law targets those who derive, or help others to derive, “sexual gratification” from animals. The new law exempts animal husbandry and their wives, and judges who fondle dogs at dog shows.

Whether or not the new law passes constitutional muster is another matter. In 1971, the Florida Supreme Court struck down a similar law written in 1868 on grounds of being overly vague and overboard. The old law prohibited the "abominable and detestable crime against nature, either with mankind or with beast.''  Is the new law similarly flawed?  Will it apply, for example, to consumers of insect pornography:

Will dog owners be prosecuted for aiding and abetting their leg-humping hounds and masturbating mutts?  Will citizens be prosecuted for watching how laws are passed in the Florida State Legislature:

Will every citizen be held accountable when “smale foweles maken melodye, That slepen al the nyght with open yë …”

Of course, one accidental goat death cannot compare to the goals and objectives of this organization, The Florida Meat Goat Association.  In Florida, where bestiality and necrophilia conspire, you can always count on the state legislature to beat a dead horse.

More lurid legislative tales from the Swash Zone here, here, and here.  Next: Meet Governor Grifter of the Sunshine State.